Letting go is never easy.

What do you do when the stage of life your in currently seems to be impossible? When one thing after another seems to spring up, it's like trouble has found purpose in the quote, "never say die." You're in the middle of a storm, and it will not let up. I am acknowledging the many blessings, but the thing I am asking for is not selfish or sinful, I think it's actually quite responsible. I want freedom from trouble and the storm. I wish I could just hide away until it is over, but that is not an option. I must face the storm, and yet I have no power that can sway its coming or going. Once again, for the millionth time this year, I have to let go of the issue and wait for deliverance. I hope it comes soon.

This is a picture of the skyline from my friend's roof.

So much grace!

It's amazing how you much more you notice the little treasures and blessings in your life when things are rough. The way that the Lord provides is astounding, encouraging, and sometimes scary because He asks to wait. I don't like waiting and not knowing or having certainty, but then He always come through with something even better than I could have imagined. There are so many blessings to count right now, and yet I still feel a bit on edge about certain situations. I'm so thankful that God knows, that it's in His hands, and that He never panics like me. I hope that my ears and heart are open to learn and receive from this time what He will give me, or how He will transform me.

Glory is not found in these shambles...

In the smallest corners of our minds, man knows that it longs for glory. I would like to assert that man does not know what glory is. There may be a faint etching of the reality in our minds, but what do humble creatures like ourselves know about glory? We run after fame, money, attention, reputations, physical perfection, sex, possessions, and eternal youth. While we waste our lives searching for and dreaming of what this world deems as glory, the lowly live in it and know it. The outcasts who see the world as upside as their King did are compelled by the growing notion of it. To live is God's glory and gain. To desire His glory at any cost or state of life is freedom and joy. If the world understood this, if it knew what glory is and the only One it belongs to, perhaps there would be less striving. One day it will come to fruition, and I long for that day. Come Lord Jesus, come.

June

All I have to say today in light of the new month of June, is, "press on friends, don't stop fighting, don't quit no matter how much you want to."

Entangled

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope/wait in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

The word "wait" in verse 31 literally means when things are entangled in each other. Like a piece of rope, all of the chords are entangled together creating one rope. Therefore we have, those who are entangled in the Lord will renew their strength. As the pastor said, "we are not holding on, we are being help up." Let this be a call for you to be entangled in the Lord so that their is no breaking point of where He begins and you end. May we be found in Him.

Amazing PIctures!

Quite recently, my younger brother got engaged and this past week, they had their engagement photos taken. The photographers are Aric and Casey. They are married and work as a team, I love their work. The two of them always manage to find beautiful places to take pictures, even in Lubbock. = ) They did an amazing job capturing Brett and Kim's personalities on the camera. Below is the link to their blog. If you scroll down a little, you will see the entry about my brother, Brett, and his fiance, Kim:

http://aricandcasey.com/blog/

OH, and if they get 30 comments on their blog entry, they get a free copy of their favorite picture. Feel free to leave a comment if you are so inspired.

Commitment

I was thinking today about how God calls Himself the Bridegroom and the Church is the Bride. It then made me think of the dialogue that comprises the vows of marriage. Here is a sample text I got offline:

"I, (name), take you, (name), to be my [opt: lawfully wedded] (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live."

There is nothing light about these vows. I was thinking about how God is faithful in all these things on His end, and I need to be faithful in my side as well. I need to love Him more with every passing day, for richer or poorer, through sickness, health, good times, bad times, joy, and sorrow. I need to learn His love, so that I can even begin to love Him unconditionally in return. I ought to support His goals, honor, and respect Him. Whatever grieves His heart, ought to break mine too. The things that bring Him the most joy, His glory, should become my greatest joy forever. I should consider Him first, and put His desires before my own.

I am so thankful that God upholds His end, and I pray that you and I can grow in upholding ours more with everyday.

Control Freak

I don't like to think of myself as someone who is super anal or too orderly. I like being on time to certain events, and I like things to be moderately clean. It has come to my attention over the last 2 years, however, that there are somethings that I love to have an iron grip on. My day tends to be filled with time in which I think of ways to steer things in the direction where I want them to go. The thought of letting go of it, not scheming ways to be where I want to be, or doing what I want to do is terrifying. Fear begins to grip me, and the question arises: what if what I want does not happen? What if this whole situation goes in a different direction than I could have ever imagined? What if I have to start over again with making friends? I desperately do not want to start over again with making friends. I tried to not get close to anyone for a couple of months in case I had to leave again. After a while, I was reminded that I need community, I can't live alone. In order to cope with all the uncertainty in life right now, I take certain things and hold on for dear life, as if they might save me. As if, they might have some consistency, but I know that people and places are never the same. They are always changing and growing, just like me. It's tough to think that I might have to give up somethings that I have come to love, like my church family. That I might have to start from scratch all over again, that just makes me feel exhausted.

What I haven't grasped or thought too deeply about, is the fact that all these things I have now, aren't mine. They were given to me, they were provided for me, and it wasn't an easy road to get to where I am now with my new friends. I can't fathom that there could be something better out there, that God could come and provide beyond the stretch of my imagination. I have to let go of these gifts, and give them back to the Lord.

This is not me saying that I am moving right now. I still am looking for a job, but that job could be in a different city. This is just me saying that I need to trust the Lord and follow Him where He will lead me, whether it's staying here, or leaving.

You give and take away...

Yesterday, I got an email from my boss saying that he is letting me go, because he does not want to train me. It seems that after three days, I was not perfect, and he needs too much help to keep me on staff. Therefore, I am looking for work again.

What I think of now, are the lyrics to a song, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord":

You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name.

I feel a bit lost now, but I also feel a peace this morning. Pray that I will have wisdom in what to do next.

I've got news!

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce the most recent update in my life. I finally got a job after waiting for 7 months. I started looking back in October and have been brought to this place of employment. It is a French bakery called Croissant Brioche. The store is not a chain, it's an individual establishment which I tend to prefer.

Today was my first day of training. The owner is very detailed and quite the micro manager, but I am glad that I am getting very clear directions on what I am supposed to do. I was a little bored because he would not let me do much hands on stuff. He said that he will start letting me do things in a few days. I am thankful for a job.

You can be praying that I trust the Lord for my financial situation. After training, my pay drops, but I start getting tips. I am a bit nervous about whether it will be enough for me to live on. It's just another opportunity to trust the Lord.

Praise the Lord for all His goodness!

God listens

"Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what He has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; His praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!"

Psalm 66:16-20

Easter

In the face of many things that can be taken as great tragedies and reasons to despair, I would like to look to the hope of world. Tomorrow is Easter, it is the day in history when the power of sin and death are defeated. I say "are" because I want to emphasize the reality that every day, multiple times a day, His blood is covering our sins. It is amazing to me to think that over thousands of years, His grace is still that powerful. It is not something that fades or changes like the seasons, it always remains. I don't even know how to begin to wrap my mind around that power. In a world that is so obsessed with technology, and doing things faster, they haven't even began to scratch the surface in comparison to what Jesus has already accomplished. When I look at the depravity of my own heart, and my selfishness, I get a glimpse of how huge the sacrifice is.

I am left in thought about how to properly celebrate this. I feel like going to church is not enough, and recognizing it is enough, nothing will honestly be enough. I know that God asks for my heart and wants me to live in a state of worship,, but I want to do more. I suppose this once again reflects the gospel, Jesus paid a debt that I can never pay or repay. I will just have to be thankful for it.

Thanks God.

Yesterday...

My little brother got engaged last night! I am so happy for him and his fiance. She is a great girl who loves the Lord. What a blessing that the Lord has placed this person in his life, and now she gets to be part of our family. Couldn't be happier, I'm getting another sister. Congratulations little brother. = )

What I love about Houston

There is one thing I love about Houston. It's not the grotesque traffic or the humidity. Shocking, I know, but the beautiful thing I love is the diversity. You can almost go anywhere in Houston and hear a foreign language. As I sit here in the coffee shop/wine bar, I have heard Russian, Greek (I think), and Spanish. Just the other day, at the grocery store I heard Japanese. Some people might feel strange, but it actually makes me feel more comfortable. I'm not the average white American, so it makes me feel a bit more at home being around different cultures or languages. Hope you can find something you love about the city or town you are in.

Rest

6 years ago, I wrote a song. I don't think I fully realized what the song meant until now. There have been bits and pieces of understanding in the past, but it feels more real today. It applies directly to life as of late. I had actually forgotten about it until last night, when the Lord reminded me. I think I named it "Rest." Here are the lyrics:

Despite my suffering, I will rest in You.
No matter what may lay ahead, I will rest in You.
This peace will flow, although I never know what tomorrow may hold, I just know Your hand is near, holding me, as I rest in You.

Despite my shortcomings, I will rest in You.
When everything falls apart I will rest in You.
This peace will flow, although I never know what tomorrow may hold, I just feel Your strength draw near, when I rest in You.

When I rest, when I rest, when I rest in You, when I rest in You.

hope

I have been thinking a lot lately about the hope that we have in Christ. Situations have sparked this contemplation. Due to these things, I feel like I am seeing it more clearly than I have before. Each day begins with hoping in Christ, and that day when He will return in all His glory to take His people home. This world is a broken place, and it's not getting any better. I am hoping in the gospel that makes all things new. I am hoping in the day, when all things will be restored to the way they should be, and nothing will be broken.

a new week

The wedding last week was fantastic! I will confess that I cried a few times. What can I say, if the groom cries, then I cry. It was also great to see friends again and share about our lives. I miss them and wish that they could be closer, but alas that is not reality.

This week is going to be busier than others. There is a new wave of jobs to apply for, which is good. I am praying that one of these will be it. It's time to move on to the next part of life now. You guys can pray with me that one of these jobs will stick.

Meditation

Dear Friends,

Have you ever had an experience where the Lord overwhelms you so much that you must cry for joy? Where His beauty becomes so evident that you are left in awe? I think our eyes our so often shielded from the reality and the magnitude of who the LORD really is. I write this now with joyful tears in my eyes and must share with you, because I cannot contain my joy. You must know it too.

Sometimes I practice a form of meditation that Luther wrote about. It involves taking a passage of scripture that you are familiar with and thinking through ACTS. Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication. You take each word in the passage and think through it with ACTS. How can I adore the Lord because of _____? What can I confess because of ________? How can I be thankful because of ______? What can I ask the Lord for in light of these things? How does this all tie into the gospel? All this is done in context with what the passage means. This morning I did it with Joshua 1:5-9. Here is the context:

Moses has just died, and Joshua is left in charge of the people. Joshua is afraid because he is now in charge, and because he has to lead the people into the Promised Land. He is afraid of the enemies he will have to fight, and if he is capable of leading successfully. This is part of what the Lord says to him,

"As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave to you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful."

There are two commands. Be strong and courageous, and obey the law. The second command is a stronger exhortation than the first. Which is interesting, the Lord is saying it is more imperative to obey His commands. You should put more emphasis on this than on the future enemies that you will be fighting. It's almost as if He is saying, they aren't the big deal guys. I can take them out, but you must concern yourself with obeying, because disobeying will put you in worse shape than your enemies ever could. That is just crazy to think about. Disobeying the Lord can put us in worse shape than a whole army of enemies.

Then as I meditated on it further, and asked how this ties into the gospel I saw that we cannot always obey the law. I saw that Jesus is the fulfillment of this passage. He was strong and courageous, He did not let the fear of the cross or His enemies rule His life. He completely obeyed the law never straying to the left or the right. He meditated on it day and night. He was the completion of the law. The perfect sacrifice, the High priest, and He was successful in defeating death and sin. Since He defeated death and sin, we have the Holy Spirit with us; we can commune with God without sacrifice or High priests. Therefore, He will never leave us or forsake us. In light of this, we can be strong because of His strength, and we can be courageous because of His courage. We are a set apart people, pain and hardship will come upon us, but we do not need to live in fear of it, because this is not the end. This is not what we live towards. Be strong and courageous. Isn't that beautiful? Now we can be the bearers of glory and of His image on this Earth as a result.

There were others things revealed to me in this time, but this is all I will share today. Thanks for letting me share with you, and I hope that the joy of the Lord is overflowing in your lives today.

My new love

I love walking the track at Rice University. It's not really a track, it's more like a trail. I am not a good runner, so I power walk it. I love how the trees branches knit together over your head to form a roof of beauty. I love how I now recognize certain people who come at the same time as me everyday. They know my walk, and I know their run. I love how no one feels pressure to go faster than their pace. There is no competition. I love how the pathway is covered with leaves so I feel like a little child kicking them as I walk. I love the random puddles that I have to jump over like a leap frog. I love the sky line of Houston that I see at the beginning of my walk, and the cute little shops that I see near the end. I love how there are kind people who told me that I dropped my keys. I love the squirrels that watch you pass as they nibble on some food. I love the birds that sing their own soundtrack for you. I love the breeze that brushes your faces and cools your body in the Houston humidity. I love seeing the students walking with their backpacks to class. I love the energy I feel after the walk is over and I go on with my day. I love walking the track at Rice University.

*This is a picture of the track.

It's Tuesday.

We are almost 10 days into March. How crazy is that? At the end of this week, I will fly out to Lubbock, and attend a wedding. It will be the first time I have seen some of these people in almost 2 years. I am pretty excited about it. Then I will be driving back with my friend. We want to road trip it kind of like Elizabethtown, and do random things on our way back to Houston. I plan on taking lots of fun pictures, and am excited to share them with you guys.

I have also given myself a challenge for the day. My challenge is to find a few new ways to serve the people in my community. I think it will be pretty easy to do because there is always someone who can use our help.

Hope you guys are having a lovely week where ever you are.

hurting

Today was a tough day. I have been stressed about a few things lately, but something else got added to the list. Today, a friend hurt me. It was weird, because it is a new friend that I did not even know a month ago. I feel like I always get hurt by the same kinds of people, and frankly, I'm tired of it. It seems that being me just makes it happen, but I don't know how to not be me in these situations. I have no drastic actions in mind, I will still be myself the next time I see my friend. Right now I just feel alone, hurt, and can't seem to shake it. I felt like I was making progress and finding friends, but now I feel like I'm back at square one. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Songs

I got this CD the other week from our old worship leader at the church I go to in Houston. He moved up to Portland to sing in the opera there, he's got a great voice obviously. His CD is in my car, so when I drive anywhere I constantly hear the songs. One particular song has been stuck in my head lately. I think it is more the Lord who placed it there, it comes to me at all times of the day when I am in different situations. It comforts me, and causes me to have less fear in my life. Here are some of the lyrics:

He is there, He is there, when we lose our way.
He will always guide us, through the night or day, He is always there.
He's there with you in your home, you at work, you in your car...couples in love...nations in mourning...people rejoicing....He's God when you win, God when you lose, He is there.
He is there, He is there, when we lose our way.
He will always guide us, through the night or day, He is always there.

There is another song from the CD, that is also impressing itself on my heart, and making me think through the way I live my life. Here are some of it's lyrics:

Take my hands and lift them up, for I have not the strength to praise You well enough.
For I have nothing, I have nothing, without You.
Take my voice, and pour it out, let it the songs of mercy I have found.
For I have nothing, I have nothing, without You.
All my soul needs, is all Your love to cover me, so all the world can see, that I have nothing without You.
Take my body, and build it up, may it be broken as an offering of love.
For I have nothing, I have nothing, without You.....Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to Thee. Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise, let them flow in ceaseless praise.

So remember this weekend and next week, He is there, and we have nothing without Him.

The Jungle of Unemployment

Yesterday I was once again inspired, and began writing a sort of essay about my time being unemployed and searching for a job. It's called "The Jungle of Unemployment." Here is an excerpt from it so far:


I try to write this without any hints of bitterness, because if anything, I am not bitter about this time. I may not ever understand it, but I want to learn from it. Living in unemployment is a hard thing to navigate, like the jungle, but there can be beautiful things about it like the jungle as well. If you aren't quite so concerned with rushing through this time, you can stop and notice the beauty around you, the things that require you to slow down.

I sit in a cafe with my dollar cup of tea, and watch the people hurry by. I sit and observe the birds land on the iron hedge, and move their heads from side to side. I watch as the world goes by. I let the sun shine on my face, and enjoy it's rays. Flowers unfold on the branches of the trees that are about to explode with new leaves for spring. A gentle breeze causes the wind chimes to sing a short song. I just sit and let myself be a part of this scene.

Every morning is like a new birth, a new beginning, with endless possibilities for the day. Among all the things swirling around in my subconscious and all that the world throws my way, a small voice has been growing. It comes from within my heart and is relentless for it's size. It only gets louder and places roots in the deepest parts of my soul. The roots begin to grow and flourish into a beautiful great tree. As a result of this growth, the culture falls away, and I am left with the only thing that matters. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. Then love your neighbor as yourself. (Matt. 22:37-39) When I am loving the Lord and loving others, everything else follows. In loving the Lord I can work hard looking for a job, but not worry about it. My heart can wait on the Lord, and trust His timing. I can set aside myself, and help those in need. The gospel can be the foremost thing on my mind, in my heart, and on my tongue.

Despite this growth, I am still human, and sometimes this slow pace is frustrating. Sometimes you just want to make something happen....



*That's the end of my excerpt, hope it can be encouraging to you all.

How big is your God?

I finished my book this week. It was a sad thing since it was one of those great books that you wish would go on forever. The last chapter was about your view of God. How big is your God? When catastrophe strikes, how big is your God? When you tackle your daily tasks, how big is your God? When you deal with difficult relationships, how big is your God? When it feels like everything is against you, how big is your God?

Do you see God as safe? Does the thought of the Lord leave you in awe? Does the Lord cause you to respond in worship? Do you realize that with God any task is possible? Do you trust Him to do what you need done, or do you try to accomplish it in your own power? Do you realize how much God has already done?

I can say that I do, I know it in the back of my mind, but when the world seems to spin madly, I don't always live that way. Sometimes my heart seems to react correctly, and my faith seems like it could not be knocked over by a bulldozer. Other times, I panic, I look to other things to fix my problems, or satisfy my needs. God tends to be downsized by me. That is why I need to remember what He has done for me, and hear what He does for others. I need to stop and be in awe of the beauty of nature, to remember that He thought it up, He created it. He is the most amazing artist. I need to read my Bible and see God's character in action. I need to envision Him parting the Red Sea, opening the Earth to swallow people, flooding the Earth and then bringing it back to normalcy, suffering on the cross, dying, and then defeating death and sin. I need to "notice" the little things as the day goes on. He causes the sun to rise, the trees to grow, the birds to sing, my heart to beat, my eyes to see, my ears to hear, the wind to blow, the clouds to come and go, the sun to set, the moon to rise, the stars to shine, and our bodies to rest. When I "notice" these things, my heart can respond in worship. When I worship, I can more rightly see how big God is.

How big is your God? What will you trust Him for today?

Encouragement

An encouraging quote or two for those who are waiting on the Lord.

"What we wait for is not more important than what happens to us while we are waiting."
-John Ortberg

"We must live these words--soaring, running, and walking--'one at a time.'"
-In reference to Isaiah 40:30-31-
-John Ortberg quoting David Hubbard

If you are waiting with me for anything, take heart in these quotes, and in the place they are inspired from, the Bible.

Pink Flower

There is this pink flower in the backyard. I found it's pot knocked over, and turned it back to it's right side. Since that day, I have made the flower my metaphor for these months. It was knocked over, but it was picked up and turned back towards the sun. It has lived through freezes and rains. Everyday, I check on the pink flower to see if it is withering or growing. Each day it turns it's head to the sun, and in the storms, it soaks up the goodness of the rain so it can grow.

I am the pink flower. I was knocked over, and hands picked me up. I survived the freezes and the torrential downpours. Everyday, I turn my head towards the sun, and when the storms come out, I take in the rain so that I can grow. Brighter, and more beautiful with everyday.

Writing

Today and yesterday have been great writing days for me. I felt surges of creativity and new ideas. I feel like my book changes each time I write, it grows with everyday. I have one main outline I stick to, but all the in between details can change with a whim. The reality of exactly how much research I am going to have to do for this book just hit me today. I spent an hour reading about the Duomo in Florence, Italy. I have been to the Duomo multiple times, but I discovered that I do not know much about it's history. Patience is also key in this process as I take the time to write about the details of the different places, but how can one write about all the details of the Duomo? That would be a book in itself. Eventually, I will have to find my happy medium between literally descriptive, and too vague. I would post part of the book for you all to read, but it is still in the baby stages. It would make me nervous to let the public, or just a few friends read it now. Maybe when I have gained more confidence in it, I will put up a bit and get you guys feedback.


Here's to creative endeavors that keep our minds running.

Focus

"I arise today through God's strength to pilot me; God's might to uphold me, God's wisdom to guide me, God's eye to look before me God's ear to hear me, God's word to speak for me, God's hand to guard me. Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ on my right, Christ on my left, Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise. Christ in the heart of every one who thinks of me, Christ in the mouth of every one who speaks of me, Christ in the every eye that sees me, Christ in every ear that hears me. I arise today through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity."

-"Lorica" by Saint Patrick

When our focus turns to Christ at all times, in every aspect of our lives we will find it hard to be disappointed, or lose hope. Still reading that book by Ortberg.

When I feel alone, I will trust in You.
When it seems that I don't have the strength to wait another day, I will trust in You.
Here I am crying out to You.
Speak to me in the quiet of these days.
Grow my capacity to love You more.
Place in me the patience to wait and the perseverance to press through this time.
Teach me and remind me who You are.
For You have always been faithful to me.

A Cave

In the Old Testament, before David became king, he was in a cave. King Saul, who used to favor him, now wanted to kill him out of jealousy. Essentially, he lost his job. Then he went to the Phillistines and pretended to be crazy so they might give him sanctuary, but they didn't want another crazy person. Then he goes and hides out in the cave. On the bright side, he had acquired a group of people that were in bad situations themselves , and together, they formed their own city. One day, their city was pillaged while the men were out. Everything and everyone was carried off. The people blame David. He also in this time period loses his first wife who was Saul's daughter. His best friend could no longer maintain contact with him either, since he was Saul's son. David is stripped of everything: job, friends, wife, family, reputation, home, and comfort.

Psalm 142 is David's lament to the Lord. The Lord welcomes our laments. Which is such a comfort to my heart. I am glad that the Lord does not want me pretend that I am always happy or that things are always wonderful. I think I seem to forget that Jesus also did some time in a cave as well. He knows the lament very well. This is my time in the cave, and this is my time to write my lament. I will write, and I will learn. The time of the cave will eventually pass, I just to have to remember that everyday until that day comes.

*These thoughts were also sparked from "If you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat."

I need you!

About a week ago, I started writing a book. It has a lot to do with traveling, well, one person's travels around the world. There are so many details that go into writing, and I want to be as accurate as possible. So I have a special request of my readers. If you have any great knowledge of a foreign country from first hand experience traveling there or research you have done in the past, I would love to hear from you. Any details will help me be accurate and true to the places and people I will be describing. I am currently, on Chapter 2. Chapter 3 will be when I start to use details about the different countries. If this whole thing goes well, maybe I will try to publish it. Although, that is a long time away. Look forward to hopefully hearing from you all.

February is here.

Welcome to February 2010! The second month of the new decade. A time for change to carry on, and processes to continually unfold. We all know what this month is for America and some other countries around the world. Out of all of my friends, I know an equal amount of people who love and dislike Valentine's Day. I myself, must say that it holds a special place in my heart. I have never had a Valentine's Day with romance or some significant other, but it is so much more than that to me.

We are called to love each other as one of the greatest commands. Even though many of us are aware of this, we get so busy and bogged down with our lives that we forget about loving others, and focus on loving self. Sometimes it happens without our noticing, it creeps in when we are exhausted or have had a hard day. Sometimes we go head first into it, quite willingly, because we think we deserve it. This is why I love Valentine's Day. No matter where you go in commercialism America, you can see hearts, flowers, and candy. It could be something that seems obnoxious and annoys you, or you can take it as a reminder to practice true love. A chance to stop for a day and think through how you might consider others more than yourself. Knowing the friends around you, think about what would best communicate love to them. Is it a gift, encouraging words, serving them in some way, a big hug, or letting them do something for you? Maybe we can even let this day overflow into everyday, and make it a way of life.

You never know how you can affect someone by loving them for a day.

A few requests.

Look at this website please. Do something for the kids who were sex slaves this Valentine's Day.

http://love146.org/

I have phone interview some time this week as well. I would appreciate prayers for wisdom when it happens. Thanks!

Change please

In stages of life where things are difficult, or there is no certainty of how they will turn out, sometimes it feels like you possess nothing. In a desperate attempt to hold on to something, I grab the easiest thing, my pride. It's always there, sometimes it is smaller, or takes a brief vacation, but it has never completely left me. Pride is easy to reach out for in this time, because for the majority of the day, I think about myself. I look at jobs online, apply for jobs online, and think about myself. I think about my future, my next apartment, how to decorate it, my next church, the new co-workers/future friends, and how I feel like all of this is so far away. Then I get sad, and I go into a state of "pity me, look at the hard situation I am in now." When people treat me like a normal person, I am suddenly offended that they do not remember my difficult situation, and withdrawal into myself. There is too much time with me during the day. Even when I go to other places, I am still just with me, because I don't know the people around me. At the end of the day, the people I know here get off work and there are times when we hang out, but many times, they are tired. This is completely understandable, I had a job and remember how exhausting work can be. Once again, I hang out with myself.

There is a great desire in my heart for this to change. People need to become a part of my life again. The day no longer needs to revolve around me. Looking for jobs will still be important, but I would love to consider others more than myself in the middle of this stage of life. If I don't, I will continue on this path of critically judging everyone around me, pitying myself, and despairing. I want to remember that I am not as smart or perfect as I think I am. I want to make an effort with the people around me, even if I already think they are anti-social and exclusive. God needs to once again bring the reality to my heart that I cannot do all things, but He will enable me to do them. He will help me through this part of life, and the next, even if great hardship is involved in it. He has already given me all that I need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him (paraphrasing 2 Peter 1:3).

Revel in the simple.

Simple Things that I can revel in, simple things great and small.
Simple Things all shapes and sizes, the Lord made them all.
Simple Things that lift my heart, simple things that astound my eyes.
Simple Things that look like difficult things, but are just in disguise.
Simple Things that time cannot comprehend or erase or replace.
Simple Things inside the Earth or outside it in cosmic space.
Simple Things that create a melody for my heart to sing.
Simple Things on pages that take flight with their wings.
Simple Things that children know, but adults forget as they grow.
Simple Things are what love knows best, and we should be blessed to remember the rest.

More Simple Things for today:
-snails on the sidewalk at night
-moonlight
-wind chimes
-earrings that sparkle
-words that rhyme

Do not leave easily.

* this is a picture of my car

5 things I am thankful for:

-rain
-sales
-books
-how the Lord is blessing my brother
-more time

I went to Borders and read today. It was a great chapter in my book that prepared me for the rest of the day. A few things that really struck me from the chapter were:

"When life does not turn out the way you plan, you forget that other people face disappointment too....Your world becomes so small that your pain is the only pain you notice. That is the death of the heart, the loss of meaning."

"Sin...is always a substitute for legitimate suffering. It is an attempt to obtain the pleasure that does not rightfully belong to me or evade the pain that does."

"'Wherever you find yourself--do not easily leave'....community is hard, authentic friendship is hard, patience in work is hard--so leaving will always look more attractive in the short run."

There were many more quotes that I wanted to take and absorb into my heart and my mind.
This chapter was perfect for today, for this season of life. After reading the chapter, I called a bakery I had an interview at the beginning of the month. They had told me they would not know about hiring until the end of January. Seeing as today is close to the end of January and I had not heard from them, I called them. I did not get the job, but neither did the other candidates who interviewed. They decided to go in a different direction at the last minute, and gave a promotion to someone from within the bakery. I wasn't too disappointed after that, I had another company email me about an interview in the morning. I called them and scheduled an interview. After calling, I did more research on them, and they are actually quite terrifying. They promise their employees things that they do not give, and threaten you when you start to ask too many questions. This led me to the obvious conclusion that I am not going in for the interview tomorrow. I do not want to be forced to order in and pay for it, or to drive around the person who is interviewing me for 10 hours. At the end of all this, I felt like I was back at square one. No leads, no one interested in me. Not a hopeful situation, but I am left thinking of Joseph from the Bible. I am thinking of his life and all the things that went wrong, all the dreams that were lost, and all the darkness he must have faced. Even in the times he was choosing to do the right thing, it did not always pan out well for him. The hard times shaped him so that he would be prepared for his future. I will wait while these times shape me for my future. I do not want my world to only be about me, I don't want my heart to die. I want to be the wise person who welcomes the hard times because they bring a new depth to life.

(If you want more quotes read "If you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat" by John Ortberg)

Simple Things

A dear friend of mine, and fellow blogger wrote a simple statement this week about enjoying the simple things. I feel at times, it is difficult to do this. I forget the simple things the Lord gives me, and sometimes, the bigger things too.

In an attempt to live in a way that is pure, lovely, wonderful, and pleasing to the Lord, I am making a list of the simple things that I enjoy.

The beauty of simplicity:
-raspberries
-laughter with friends
-blueberries
-colors
-coffee
-tea
-sweatshirts
-boots
-blue skies
-art
-blankets to cuddle in
-30 Rock
-scarves
-the fact that my car is orange like a tangerine
-generosity
-fish in aquariums
-Planet Earth DVDs
-Nickel Creek's music
-pleasant aromas
-wind in the tree branches
-jewelry
-firewood
-singing
-cooking for other people
-wine
-words
-the way my little brother always tries to hold open doors, carry my bags, or hold onto a bottle I am trying to open
-the way my sister lets me borrow her clothes and shares her house with me

I am going to try to continue the list week, as an active effort to enjoy or rejoice in life now.

The One Who Sees Me

I've been meditating on Genesis 16 lately. The chapter is about Hagar, Abraham, Sarai, and the Lord. If you remember from the previous chapter, Sarai gives her servant, Hagar, to Abraham to sleep with so they can have a child. She does not trust the Lord when He says that He will give them a son through her. After sleeping with Abraham, Hagar gets pregnant, and Sarai starts to mistreat her, she resents her. Hagar decides to run away. When she is in the middle of fleeing from the situation, the Lord appears to her. He tells her to go back to Sarai, have the child, and that she would have many descendants. He also tells her that the Lord has heard her misery. At that spot, she names the Lord, "the God who sees me."

I find this comforting. Even though Hagar was not who God wanted to bring His line through, and even though she was a part of sin, He still hears her misery. He is the God who sees her in all situations and loves her. We are not hidden from Him, He sees us. Beer Lahai Roi. He knows.

Speaking of knowing, the Lord has blessed me greatly. He always does, but He has given me something tangible. I have a car now. I got a great deal on it, and I won't go into all the details, but let me just say that no human could have put together a better situation. It is so perfect and tailored to what I am going through right now, that I know it is only the Lord who has done it. He knows what I need, even in the times when I can't hear Him.

Saving

After much research, and emailing, I finally got a straight answer out of a pastry school for their price. They called me yesterday afternoon to tell me, and I was not surprised, but still wanted to cry at the thought of it. So you might be thinking to yourself, "what could that awful, magical number be?" I will unveil it to you. Brace yourself. Drum roll please.............Going to a pastry school would cost me $21,000. There is financial aid, but I doubt it will cover a huge amount of the cost. There are also scholarships, but the largest one I found is for $1,500. That doesn't help out much. I am also currently without a job, so it's not like I have a lot of funding. They did bring up the option of a loan too, but I already have college debt, and soon will get a car, which will accrue more debt for me. I don't really want to take out another loan, especially that amount.

It's moments like this where I wish I would have know these things about myself in college. If I had known I hate management, I wouldn't have done management in college. I probably wouldn't have gone to a normal college at all. I would have gone to pastry school right away instead. Now the only thing I can have as comfort is the fact that God must have wanted me at Tech, since He didn't show me these things until after graduating. That leaves me where I am today, still waiting and trusting that the Lord will bring along His best for me. Maybe someday, I will be able to afford pastry school.

Americano Life

Now I have cut into about three weeks of fresh Americano life again. America in all her glory has given me a wonderful homecoming gift. I received it a few days after I stepped off the plane onto the red, white, and blue soil with the tune of "I'm Proud to be an American" in the background. It was really big, and wrapped in the shiny paper of consumerism. Of course, I can't forget to mention the bow on top that was held together by self sufficiency. I was so stunned to receive such a large, "glamorous" gift that I didn't quite know what to do with it. After a minute of staring, I began to open it with high hopes for something good. Seconds later, the paper was on the floor, the gift was laid bare, and I knew exactly what it was. It's another part of my life that repeats itself over and over again. The world knows it as "culture shock", but I like to think of it as my torture for at least the next 6 months (most likely). Now, I am not about to stand up and say that I felt at home in Korea's culture, but I did in Italy's culture no matter how chaotic it was at times. What can I say, I just love Europe.

I feel like a space ship re-entering Earth's atmosphere. Everything is going really fast, and I feel the pressure like a fire all over me. Hurling towards the Earth, on fire, and waiting for my crash landing. I am driving again for the first time in 15 months. I am jobless, and not feeling so confident at the moment. I am constantly explaining things to the new people I meet. One example is how you can live in a foreign country but not be of that ethnicity. I am bombarded by the people who do not have enough (but they really do), and I am catching the fever that disgusts me to the very core.

My legs want to take me to another place, my lungs want to scream for freedom, my heart breaks for those left behind, and faints in the face of starting again for what feels like the millionth time in my span of 24 years. My minds longs for the confidence to manage some ridiculous establishment with food. My eyes want to let the flood of tears go in hopes that they will wash away my negativity that lingers without any sign of leaving. My soul wants to choose the better things, my soul is dry and crying for refreshment.

This completes the circle for me I suppose. I have lived in a culture that is not my own, with people that are not my own, hung out with friends that aren't really mine, and lived in houses that are not my own. I am once again brought to the point of poverty. I have nothing to offer. I am poor in spirit.

Matt 5:3-10
"Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek; for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart; for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are they that have been persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Bear with me my friends as I walk through this new part of my life.