Thursday, April 29, 2010

Control Freak

I don't like to think of myself as someone who is super anal or too orderly. I like being on time to certain events, and I like things to be moderately clean. It has come to my attention over the last 2 years, however, that there are somethings that I love to have an iron grip on. My day tends to be filled with time in which I think of ways to steer things in the direction where I want them to go. The thought of letting go of it, not scheming ways to be where I want to be, or doing what I want to do is terrifying. Fear begins to grip me, and the question arises: what if what I want does not happen? What if this whole situation goes in a different direction than I could have ever imagined? What if I have to start over again with making friends? I desperately do not want to start over again with making friends. I tried to not get close to anyone for a couple of months in case I had to leave again. After a while, I was reminded that I need community, I can't live alone. In order to cope with all the uncertainty in life right now, I take certain things and hold on for dear life, as if they might save me. As if, they might have some consistency, but I know that people and places are never the same. They are always changing and growing, just like me. It's tough to think that I might have to give up somethings that I have come to love, like my church family. That I might have to start from scratch all over again, that just makes me feel exhausted.

What I haven't grasped or thought too deeply about, is the fact that all these things I have now, aren't mine. They were given to me, they were provided for me, and it wasn't an easy road to get to where I am now with my new friends. I can't fathom that there could be something better out there, that God could come and provide beyond the stretch of my imagination. I have to let go of these gifts, and give them back to the Lord.

This is not me saying that I am moving right now. I still am looking for a job, but that job could be in a different city. This is just me saying that I need to trust the Lord and follow Him where He will lead me, whether it's staying here, or leaving.

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