Monday, January 25, 2010
In stages of life where things are difficult, or there is no certainty of how they will turn out, sometimes it feels like you possess nothing. In a desperate attempt to hold on to something, I grab the easiest thing, my pride. It's always there, sometimes it is smaller, or takes a brief vacation, but it has never completely left me. Pride is easy to reach out for in this time, because for the majority of the day, I think about myself. I look at jobs online, apply for jobs online, and think about myself. I think about my future, my next apartment, how to decorate it, my next church, the new co-workers/future friends, and how I feel like all of this is so far away. Then I get sad, and I go into a state of "pity me, look at the hard situation I am in now." When people treat me like a normal person, I am suddenly offended that they do not remember my difficult situation, and withdrawal into myself. There is too much time with me during the day. Even when I go to other places, I am still just with me, because I don't know the people around me. At the end of the day, the people I know here get off work and there are times when we hang out, but many times, they are tired. This is completely understandable, I had a job and remember how exhausting work can be. Once again, I hang out with myself.
There is a great desire in my heart for this to change. People need to become a part of my life again. The day no longer needs to revolve around me. Looking for jobs will still be important, but I would love to consider others more than myself in the middle of this stage of life. If I don't, I will continue on this path of critically judging everyone around me, pitying myself, and despairing. I want to remember that I am not as smart or perfect as I think I am. I want to make an effort with the people around me, even if I already think they are anti-social and exclusive. God needs to once again bring the reality to my heart that I cannot do all things, but He will enable me to do them. He will help me through this part of life, and the next, even if great hardship is involved in it. He has already given me all that I need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him (paraphrasing 2 Peter 1:3).