The Ocean

My love for You is like the ocean shore.
You will find it shallow apart from the water.
When the water has completely consumed it's expanse, it reaches to unsearchable depths.
Depths of great mystery that no man can define or know, but You.
Without the water, I fall to pieces and am formless.
With the water, You can shape me in anyway and fulfill Your purpose for my existence.
Consume all that I am with Your water, I desire nothing less.
The crystal blue depth revives my weary soul.
Let the tide roll in with all Your mighty waves.
Move me with Your ebb and flow.
Oh that my love would be like the great depths of the ocean floor at all times.

Do you remember your security blanket?

It feels like the fall again, some of the trees even look like they are changing colors, or maybe they are just dying from the heat index. I am now brought face to face with the fact that I am desperately impoverished once again. It was the looming cloud over my fall months and even settled into my winter. Honestly, it was the grace that helped me attempt to learn humility, servant hood, and love at different levels than I had been willing in the past. Once again, I revisit the fact that there is nothing good in me, I have nothing to offer apart from the Lord. This reminder has been quite gloriously highlighted by my desire to string along a certain person; like a child drags their security blanket behind them on the ground. It is actually quite the twisted relationship. No, wait, I recant, that is no relationship, it is a twisted addiction. The child claims to "love" this blanket, yet drags it through the dirt and refuse of this world. I think if the child honestly loved it, it would carry it properly in its arms. It would not ever carelessly touch the ground, it would be protected, but this blanket merely exists to fulfill a level of need and selfish desires. This person is my security blanket. For the sake of posterity and in case any of you should ever meet said person down the road in your life, I will not say his name. Rather, I shall call him Collin Firth. Collin makes me feel like I am in a familiar place, and I have confidence in this place that I know. It does not surprise me as so much of this year has. He is also an attractive human being who may be attracted to me as far as I can tell. That is never a bad thing in a girl's eyes (unless you are not attracted to that man). Finally, when you mix all these factors together over a period of time at room temperature, rotating the bowl every so often, the result is a validated human being. I honestly feel excitement when Collin is around, even though I know he is not the best thing for me right now. My friend says it is because I am bored at times. Knowing me, and the fact that I love painting word pictures or referencing metaphors, I will give you another one for this debacle. It is like the flamethrower at church, I love the rush I get from the fire that shoots out of it. I love the fact that I can control the strength of the flame, and I never waste a second thinking of its dangers. In reality, it would take the smallest thing for the fire to get out of hand, and for the adrenaline rush to kill me. I have no wisdom in my head regarding how I might stop or destroy what has become an idol, because this has been my fall back with similar versions of Collin over the span of my life. I am only asking that the Lord takes the flamethrower out of my hands. That He becomes my validation and security. It's time to grow up and surrender my blanket.

Prayers and wisdom are always appreciated.

My coat rack

The state of my apartment resembles the state of my life.
A hook is missing from my wall so my coat rack is hanging slanted.
Gravity is taunting it, waiting until the final hook gives way and crashes to the ground.
When will it no longer be enough to hold the weight of everything I have piled onto it?
It does not realize how much danger lies in hanging by one hook, naively holding on, and for what?
Only in the moment that it begins to completely become unattached to the wall will it realize what is at hand.
Only at the time that it is falling, will it's eyes be opened to the peril it was living in for so long.
How long will it take to repair once the damage is done?
I suppose for now the coat rack enjoys the thrill of living on one hook.
It knows it ought to let go, but life would be so dull otherwise.
Why does this stupid thing thrill it so?
The good natural thing, has become the dangerous thing.
It will be humbled, it will be brought to its knees, and it will be pieced back together from the shambles left laying on the floor.
The soiled garments that once hung on it will be cleaned.
It will fulfill it's purpose once again.
It will hang on the wall, and display the beauty it's master has placed on it.
Adjusting to two hooks will take some time, after living so long in the other manner.
It was almost like second nature, but continuing in that way would only mean death.
This time it will be stronger, this time it will remember the danger of the thrill, and it's fall.


Let me close this metaphor with a reassurance that nothing overly dramatic or awful has happened to me. I am just referring to some issues that the Lord has opened my eyes to over the past weekend. They have been prevalent for so many years, but only now can I see it. May you have the grace to see yourself rightly this week, and walk away from those things.

Hello July!

July has arrived subtly over the green ridges of the Apsan mountains here in Daegu, South Korea, and I am facing a new chapter of my journey here. I dub this one sweet and sour. Reality has come knocking at my door, I have been refusing to answer, looking through the key hole and wishing that my visitor would just leave. It doesn't quite ever work that way. It always returns in some form or another. I am deciding to embrace it now so as not to have it come back and visit me in later years, resulting in something more emotional or ugly than the present. I like to think of the summer months in Korea as the harvest time. All the new teachers begin to come, and all the old begin to leave. Reality's estranged side of the family that is visiting me now as I have come to know so fondly is named "wrapping it up." Yesterday, I went to a good bye party for four different people. This past Sunday, I also said good bye to two other friends of mine from church. I will be one of the last of my group of friend's to leave, except for the few who are or have resigned. I hate being left, I would rather leave than be left. The feeling leaves me with an inexplainable lack of words to describe the feelings in my heart or how the blood begins to pulsate in a different manner through my veins.

"Wrapping it up" and I have a few tea dates ahead of us. I am not sure which tea I should buy in preparation for it, I must be careful because my visitor's family tends to be picky. "Wrapping it up" has many siblings. There was "Wrapping it up Austin", "Wrapping it up Germany", and the most recent one was "Wrapping it up Lubbock College Years." Each sibling was different, and preferred a different kind of tea. One was mild and decaf camomile. The other one wanted Chai, and the last one wanted Passion Tea from Starbucks. I have a feeling that this visitor will not want green tea, even though it is the Asian sibling. We will sit outside and enjoy the summer weather when it is not too hot, and have tea multiple times over the next two months. At the end of these two months, when the summer sun begins to fade and the breeze begins to hint at the coming of fall, I will have my final visitor in Daegu, South Korea. That unavoidable September month will bring a rollercoaster of emotions, and something stronger than tea, by that I mean coffee. = ) My final friend is named "Say what you need to say." I will spend time with those who mean most to me here that are left, and have deeply moving and beautiful talks over coffee. Then I will board a big jetplane on September 22nd, that will take me to the next chapter that I have yet to name. It is really too soon to say now, but I will tell you when the time comes closer.

Why I tend to struggle more with my current visitor than any of the other siblings of the past is, because there are SO many DIFFERENT feelings associated with "Wrapping it up Asia." I revel in the thought of no longer teaching the same tedious monotonous curriculum every 3 months to rude or overworked children. I revel in knowing that I will not be stared at in Italy. I will have access to a bathtub, an oven, and to family! On the other end of the spectrum, I have invested so much, in so many people here, and it grieves me to leave them. To not know if they will ever have changed hearts or lives. Leaving my church family here will tear me apart on some levels. This is my first time to not shop like a consumer in a market for a church, but ask God how I can be a part of my church instead of just criticizing it. The thought of leaving certain students of mine also grieves me deeply. There are specific ones that I love so much, and know that I encourage them since they are outcasts in their own culture or family. I have been pushed and shaped so much in this place that it will always hold a special place in my heart, and yet if you asked if I wanted to do it again, I would say no. Too many extremes on both ends of the spectrum. I haven't cried yet, I don't really know when it will happen. Right now, I am doing the only thing I can, stocking up on different kinds of tea so my visitor will not be disappointed. I fear not the future or what it holds, rather I want to live in my present well. Have a cup of your favorite tea for me this week.

It's been a little while...

I realize that it's been a little while since I last updated, but my sister has been here for the last two weeks, so my life has been running on turbo schedule. Today she left, that was sad. As I sat on the train ride home thinking about how hard it is to see people and then let them leave again, I was doing my Biblestudy, Experiencing God. This lesson was about obedience to God and the fact that it effects everyone around you. Everyone pays for your obedience or disobedience. Being obedient meant coming to Korea, the cost is missing family and friends back in the states. I don't even want to know what the consequences would have been if I had not come. Now I am just praying for the courage to continue obeying, even in the hard times. Even if I know that it not going to be glamorous or fun. I am currently also re-adjusting to having no one in my apartment with me. It is not fun, especially on the first day. I am trying to stay busy, and rest at the same time. Hope we all hear what the Lord says this week and obey.

Great Song

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. I started listening to it again today because I remember it after 10 years and I am working on my Spanish. It is originally in Spanish, but I have translated it into English for all you and me. It helps me appreciate it more. If you want to see the Spanish look at my notes of Facebook. I have it posted there as well. Read through the lyrics, better yet, meditate on them.

Jehovah, Lord of the heavens.
Glorious is Your Name.
The King of the universes and Redeemer of men.
The rain in the trees. The wings of the angels. They would proclaim Your beauty.
They would announce Your riches. I am weak Lord, and blind.
Overwhelmed by horrors, sinful desires, and apart from Your giving.
Free me from my wickedness.
Bless me with Your goodness.
Sustain me God in Your grace, sweet lover of my soul.
The dwelling of Your temple is illuminated with beauties, stars of the firmament, and a spring of colors.
Magnanimous in Holiness, splendid in charity.
Jehovah, Lord of the heavens, Light of the eternal way.

Memory

It's funny what you remember about places or languages. Today, I was talking with my brother about Germany, and the only German that I can remember. I was exposed mainly to church vocabulary because that was the only place that I really heard consistent German speaking. The irony is that there are some words that I remember, but did not know what they meant. My brother looked them up for me and I am think that it was more of an encouragement from the Lord than anything else. Those two words are: verlaufen and vertrauen. I don't know how it happened, but they returned to my mind tonight. Verlaufen means essentially to run or continue, and vertrauen means belief or trust depending on the context used. Let me just tell you that today was a hard day. We got our new schedules, and I pretty much loathed the entire day. I contemplated quitting a few times because the thought of continuing in this for 3 more months make me want to shout obscenetities or just sit down and cry. These two words minister to my soul to press on even though everything in me wants to quit right now. I am even wondering if it is worth the money I will make to stick around until September. You can pray that I will take these two words to heart, and the other word that I received from the Lord this morning. It was actually foreshadowing for my whole day, because He said that He would carry me through this, that He would be enough for me today.

As for the issue in which I needed perspective, it seems very small compared to insurmountable feelings welling up in my heart right now. I have to battle through the next three months, and then wrap it all up in September. Today I don't want to be a teacher, but God is telling me to stay for the rest of my contract. I will obey, but the joyful part will take some divine intervention.

P.S.-The whole thing with North Korea is not as crazy as the news makes it seem. Be careful what you believe on the news.