Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Do you remember your security blanket?

It feels like the fall again, some of the trees even look like they are changing colors, or maybe they are just dying from the heat index. I am now brought face to face with the fact that I am desperately impoverished once again. It was the looming cloud over my fall months and even settled into my winter. Honestly, it was the grace that helped me attempt to learn humility, servant hood, and love at different levels than I had been willing in the past. Once again, I revisit the fact that there is nothing good in me, I have nothing to offer apart from the Lord. This reminder has been quite gloriously highlighted by my desire to string along a certain person; like a child drags their security blanket behind them on the ground. It is actually quite the twisted relationship. No, wait, I recant, that is no relationship, it is a twisted addiction. The child claims to "love" this blanket, yet drags it through the dirt and refuse of this world. I think if the child honestly loved it, it would carry it properly in its arms. It would not ever carelessly touch the ground, it would be protected, but this blanket merely exists to fulfill a level of need and selfish desires. This person is my security blanket. For the sake of posterity and in case any of you should ever meet said person down the road in your life, I will not say his name. Rather, I shall call him Collin Firth. Collin makes me feel like I am in a familiar place, and I have confidence in this place that I know. It does not surprise me as so much of this year has. He is also an attractive human being who may be attracted to me as far as I can tell. That is never a bad thing in a girl's eyes (unless you are not attracted to that man). Finally, when you mix all these factors together over a period of time at room temperature, rotating the bowl every so often, the result is a validated human being. I honestly feel excitement when Collin is around, even though I know he is not the best thing for me right now. My friend says it is because I am bored at times. Knowing me, and the fact that I love painting word pictures or referencing metaphors, I will give you another one for this debacle. It is like the flamethrower at church, I love the rush I get from the fire that shoots out of it. I love the fact that I can control the strength of the flame, and I never waste a second thinking of its dangers. In reality, it would take the smallest thing for the fire to get out of hand, and for the adrenaline rush to kill me. I have no wisdom in my head regarding how I might stop or destroy what has become an idol, because this has been my fall back with similar versions of Collin over the span of my life. I am only asking that the Lord takes the flamethrower out of my hands. That He becomes my validation and security. It's time to grow up and surrender my blanket.

Prayers and wisdom are always appreciated.

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