Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Confusion and Fear
"For God is not a God of disorder but of peace."
-I Cor. 14:33
You know those moments in your life where everything feels like a swirling vortex of never-ending madness? The moments that leave you curled up in the fetal position on your bed or on the floor, praying for the darkness to pass, and all the while wondering how you ever got to this place. Nothing seems to be clear, everything is quite ambiguous and part of you is lost. It feels like your soul has a missing limb. You know it is there somewhere, but you just can't seem to find it. Maybe it is numb and waiting for the circulation of life to return to it, or maybe it is gone. I only dare to dive into this dark place with you all to address an issue that has been haunting me for the past three or four months. It came a bit before "Wrapping It Up," it was unexpected, and hard to etch its character with my words, but I will try my best. This visitor will earn the name of "Confusion." I have been fighting a daily battle with confusion in my heart since I started reading a certain book. I had to stop part of the way through, because parts of it were very real to me, and evil I should say. That is when this wretched visitor took up residence. It slowly, but surely oozed its way into my box that I call home. Around this time, some of my church friends began to approach me and speak to me about things like gifts of the Spirit aka-speaking in tongues. My mind began to launch into this cataclysmic spiral, I was questioning all that I knew about this topic. After research, and discussion with others, I came to a conclusion, but "Confusion" did not go away. It was so subtle and slimy that I did not even know it was there. My heart never realized something was wrong, until my eyes saw the reality that most of my emotions were dead. I am not saying that emotions are the ultimate in this life, we walk by faith and not sight, but I am normally such a highly emotional person, that it scared me. Now, let me introduce you to "Confusion's" friend, "Fear." "Fear" and "Confusion" are old school pals, they ran in the same gang and still have not grown out of the habit of making people's lives miserable. When "Fear" entered the picture, I was listening to many podcasts. These podcasts would scare the hell out of me. They were about things like false prophets, people who pretend to be believers and are not, and my personal favorite "A Call to Weep." I know that I have an authentic relationship with the Lord, and that I can approach His throne with confidence, but I also know what happens to some people over time. I know that we have all witnessed watching a person who was walking with the Lord, or whom we thought was a strong believer go drastically in the other direction. I began to fear that this would be me. James 1 speaks of a man who looks in a mirror and then forgets his reflection. It says that if we hear the Word and don't do what we hear, we are like that man. "Fear" had me paralyzed for a few weeks, because I knew that I do not always do what I hear. I know that there are times when I go straight in the other direction. During these podcasts, that I used to find as an encouragement, I would cry and lay on my bed in a little ball. Afterwards, I would go to work, not have any energy, and be disappointed with myself. For about a month, I thought this was normal and okay. After seeing affect it was having on me physically and at work, I stopped listening to them. In these times, where so many lies were being spoken to me, God was always whispering the truth. He started with, "you will never be enough." The next week it was, "it is okay, I don't expect you to be perfect." These words over and over again, until I finally decided to believe them.
In our Biblestudy that we are doing with our church right now, there has been one verse that has moved my heart. It has brought this whole fiasco to light. It is the one I started the post with, I Corinthians 14:33 "For God is not a God of disorder but of peace." When I saw this verse, I saw my visitors for the first time. I have promptly kicked them since then, and hope they never return. This is a truth that I want etched on my heart in these times. There is so much uncertainty about what I am going to do with my life or where the Lord even wants me to be. Holding this verse firmly in my heart, and my mind, I will venture into the next chapter. All I can hope for now is normal emotions for a person who is leaving a place they have to grown to love through many battles, and that there will be no further unexpected visitors apart from God's doing. On another note, I do believe that in some of these times I was under attack, it happens, I Peter 5:8-9 says so, "8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." Please pray for me in this last month. The only thing I know is that he probably attacks those who can do great things or have great things in store for them, and honestly, that makes me excited. Let's see what the Lord does. I invite you to watch and wait with me. In light of all this, I have switched to something a little stronger to take off the edge, a nice cup of coffee. Until next time, stay grounded firmly in the truth and have a cup of coffee for me.