Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Living Contrary to my Nature

I somehow always fool myself into thinking that I have gotten away from my pride, or that it has decreased over the years. To my great displeasure I have found this morning that it has only morphed from one type of pride to another. Many people love being right, and they love justice. I am the foremost front-runner for both of these. You will have a hard time telling me I am wrong, and I love justice, especially towards myself. Don't treat me badly or look out, you will have another thing coming for you! The longer I am here, the more I am convinced that Korea is a place where people lie often in business. I feel bad saying that, but is my first hand experience. I had learned to live with the reality of that and was fine until last night. My sister will be visiting me in June, and my co-worker, Chloe's ex-bf is visiting her. He wants to work so he can make some money while he is here, so I felt like it was perfect timing. I would get a week off to hang out with Jess, and he would be making some money. Last night, Chloe and I approached our manager to ask her for permission. She basically said that it would be impossible, but it's not impossible. Chloe's ex-bf has a teaching degree, and will be working for Andrew for one week before he would replace me. He would know the ropes of Reading Town, and it wouldn't be hard for him. Our manager was still saying no, so then we brought up the fact that our contract says that we get 10 days paid vacation. We told her that she owes me time off. I told her that I did not appreciate the fact that I was lied to. I told her when the director took on the contract, she took on that part too. Then she said to me, well I think you better pack up your things and let him take your job if you want a week off. Chloe went bolistic on her, and then we informed her that he is just visiting, not staying. After 40 minutes of arguing with her, she said she would "think" about it, and tell me tomorrow. EVERYTHING in my nature wants to walk into her office today and tell her that I have no respect for her, that she is a two faced liar who only cares about money, and not about people. Yet, when I woke up this morning there was this tiny voice in my head that said, "You're wrong." I went for a walk, on the walk the Holy Spirit was reminding me that I am not to live driven by my passions and pride. I don't want to let her win, but I know there is something bigger at stake here. Jesus loved those who betrayed Him, lied to Him, disowned Him, who killed Him, and He loves me. I am not my own, I do not have any right walk into that office and give her a piece of my mind, because I am to love her despite everything she does to me. I do not have to agree with her, but I cannot walk around with this sense of entitlement. Honestly, who am I? What do I deserve? Today the Holy Spirit will need to banish all of me from myself so that I will be able to walk into that school and be honest, but loving. It is NOT natural, and it is NOT easy. All I feel now, is remorse, I do not feel that I have represented the name of God well. I don't know if I ever do it well, but this time was not my brightest moment. I am still debating whether I need to apologize to her or not. Pray for me, because I have a LOT of pride to overcome before I take that step.


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