A few requests.

Look at this website please. Do something for the kids who were sex slaves this Valentine's Day.

http://love146.org/

I have phone interview some time this week as well. I would appreciate prayers for wisdom when it happens. Thanks!

Change please

In stages of life where things are difficult, or there is no certainty of how they will turn out, sometimes it feels like you possess nothing. In a desperate attempt to hold on to something, I grab the easiest thing, my pride. It's always there, sometimes it is smaller, or takes a brief vacation, but it has never completely left me. Pride is easy to reach out for in this time, because for the majority of the day, I think about myself. I look at jobs online, apply for jobs online, and think about myself. I think about my future, my next apartment, how to decorate it, my next church, the new co-workers/future friends, and how I feel like all of this is so far away. Then I get sad, and I go into a state of "pity me, look at the hard situation I am in now." When people treat me like a normal person, I am suddenly offended that they do not remember my difficult situation, and withdrawal into myself. There is too much time with me during the day. Even when I go to other places, I am still just with me, because I don't know the people around me. At the end of the day, the people I know here get off work and there are times when we hang out, but many times, they are tired. This is completely understandable, I had a job and remember how exhausting work can be. Once again, I hang out with myself.

There is a great desire in my heart for this to change. People need to become a part of my life again. The day no longer needs to revolve around me. Looking for jobs will still be important, but I would love to consider others more than myself in the middle of this stage of life. If I don't, I will continue on this path of critically judging everyone around me, pitying myself, and despairing. I want to remember that I am not as smart or perfect as I think I am. I want to make an effort with the people around me, even if I already think they are anti-social and exclusive. God needs to once again bring the reality to my heart that I cannot do all things, but He will enable me to do them. He will help me through this part of life, and the next, even if great hardship is involved in it. He has already given me all that I need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him (paraphrasing 2 Peter 1:3).

Revel in the simple.

Simple Things that I can revel in, simple things great and small.
Simple Things all shapes and sizes, the Lord made them all.
Simple Things that lift my heart, simple things that astound my eyes.
Simple Things that look like difficult things, but are just in disguise.
Simple Things that time cannot comprehend or erase or replace.
Simple Things inside the Earth or outside it in cosmic space.
Simple Things that create a melody for my heart to sing.
Simple Things on pages that take flight with their wings.
Simple Things that children know, but adults forget as they grow.
Simple Things are what love knows best, and we should be blessed to remember the rest.

More Simple Things for today:
-snails on the sidewalk at night
-moonlight
-wind chimes
-earrings that sparkle
-words that rhyme

Do not leave easily.

* this is a picture of my car

5 things I am thankful for:

-rain
-sales
-books
-how the Lord is blessing my brother
-more time

I went to Borders and read today. It was a great chapter in my book that prepared me for the rest of the day. A few things that really struck me from the chapter were:

"When life does not turn out the way you plan, you forget that other people face disappointment too....Your world becomes so small that your pain is the only pain you notice. That is the death of the heart, the loss of meaning."

"Sin...is always a substitute for legitimate suffering. It is an attempt to obtain the pleasure that does not rightfully belong to me or evade the pain that does."

"'Wherever you find yourself--do not easily leave'....community is hard, authentic friendship is hard, patience in work is hard--so leaving will always look more attractive in the short run."

There were many more quotes that I wanted to take and absorb into my heart and my mind.
This chapter was perfect for today, for this season of life. After reading the chapter, I called a bakery I had an interview at the beginning of the month. They had told me they would not know about hiring until the end of January. Seeing as today is close to the end of January and I had not heard from them, I called them. I did not get the job, but neither did the other candidates who interviewed. They decided to go in a different direction at the last minute, and gave a promotion to someone from within the bakery. I wasn't too disappointed after that, I had another company email me about an interview in the morning. I called them and scheduled an interview. After calling, I did more research on them, and they are actually quite terrifying. They promise their employees things that they do not give, and threaten you when you start to ask too many questions. This led me to the obvious conclusion that I am not going in for the interview tomorrow. I do not want to be forced to order in and pay for it, or to drive around the person who is interviewing me for 10 hours. At the end of all this, I felt like I was back at square one. No leads, no one interested in me. Not a hopeful situation, but I am left thinking of Joseph from the Bible. I am thinking of his life and all the things that went wrong, all the dreams that were lost, and all the darkness he must have faced. Even in the times he was choosing to do the right thing, it did not always pan out well for him. The hard times shaped him so that he would be prepared for his future. I will wait while these times shape me for my future. I do not want my world to only be about me, I don't want my heart to die. I want to be the wise person who welcomes the hard times because they bring a new depth to life.

(If you want more quotes read "If you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat" by John Ortberg)

Simple Things

A dear friend of mine, and fellow blogger wrote a simple statement this week about enjoying the simple things. I feel at times, it is difficult to do this. I forget the simple things the Lord gives me, and sometimes, the bigger things too.

In an attempt to live in a way that is pure, lovely, wonderful, and pleasing to the Lord, I am making a list of the simple things that I enjoy.

The beauty of simplicity:
-raspberries
-laughter with friends
-blueberries
-colors
-coffee
-tea
-sweatshirts
-boots
-blue skies
-art
-blankets to cuddle in
-30 Rock
-scarves
-the fact that my car is orange like a tangerine
-generosity
-fish in aquariums
-Planet Earth DVDs
-Nickel Creek's music
-pleasant aromas
-wind in the tree branches
-jewelry
-firewood
-singing
-cooking for other people
-wine
-words
-the way my little brother always tries to hold open doors, carry my bags, or hold onto a bottle I am trying to open
-the way my sister lets me borrow her clothes and shares her house with me

I am going to try to continue the list week, as an active effort to enjoy or rejoice in life now.

The One Who Sees Me

I've been meditating on Genesis 16 lately. The chapter is about Hagar, Abraham, Sarai, and the Lord. If you remember from the previous chapter, Sarai gives her servant, Hagar, to Abraham to sleep with so they can have a child. She does not trust the Lord when He says that He will give them a son through her. After sleeping with Abraham, Hagar gets pregnant, and Sarai starts to mistreat her, she resents her. Hagar decides to run away. When she is in the middle of fleeing from the situation, the Lord appears to her. He tells her to go back to Sarai, have the child, and that she would have many descendants. He also tells her that the Lord has heard her misery. At that spot, she names the Lord, "the God who sees me."

I find this comforting. Even though Hagar was not who God wanted to bring His line through, and even though she was a part of sin, He still hears her misery. He is the God who sees her in all situations and loves her. We are not hidden from Him, He sees us. Beer Lahai Roi. He knows.

Speaking of knowing, the Lord has blessed me greatly. He always does, but He has given me something tangible. I have a car now. I got a great deal on it, and I won't go into all the details, but let me just say that no human could have put together a better situation. It is so perfect and tailored to what I am going through right now, that I know it is only the Lord who has done it. He knows what I need, even in the times when I can't hear Him.

Saving

After much research, and emailing, I finally got a straight answer out of a pastry school for their price. They called me yesterday afternoon to tell me, and I was not surprised, but still wanted to cry at the thought of it. So you might be thinking to yourself, "what could that awful, magical number be?" I will unveil it to you. Brace yourself. Drum roll please.............Going to a pastry school would cost me $21,000. There is financial aid, but I doubt it will cover a huge amount of the cost. There are also scholarships, but the largest one I found is for $1,500. That doesn't help out much. I am also currently without a job, so it's not like I have a lot of funding. They did bring up the option of a loan too, but I already have college debt, and soon will get a car, which will accrue more debt for me. I don't really want to take out another loan, especially that amount.

It's moments like this where I wish I would have know these things about myself in college. If I had known I hate management, I wouldn't have done management in college. I probably wouldn't have gone to a normal college at all. I would have gone to pastry school right away instead. Now the only thing I can have as comfort is the fact that God must have wanted me at Tech, since He didn't show me these things until after graduating. That leaves me where I am today, still waiting and trusting that the Lord will bring along His best for me. Maybe someday, I will be able to afford pastry school.

Americano Life

Now I have cut into about three weeks of fresh Americano life again. America in all her glory has given me a wonderful homecoming gift. I received it a few days after I stepped off the plane onto the red, white, and blue soil with the tune of "I'm Proud to be an American" in the background. It was really big, and wrapped in the shiny paper of consumerism. Of course, I can't forget to mention the bow on top that was held together by self sufficiency. I was so stunned to receive such a large, "glamorous" gift that I didn't quite know what to do with it. After a minute of staring, I began to open it with high hopes for something good. Seconds later, the paper was on the floor, the gift was laid bare, and I knew exactly what it was. It's another part of my life that repeats itself over and over again. The world knows it as "culture shock", but I like to think of it as my torture for at least the next 6 months (most likely). Now, I am not about to stand up and say that I felt at home in Korea's culture, but I did in Italy's culture no matter how chaotic it was at times. What can I say, I just love Europe.

I feel like a space ship re-entering Earth's atmosphere. Everything is going really fast, and I feel the pressure like a fire all over me. Hurling towards the Earth, on fire, and waiting for my crash landing. I am driving again for the first time in 15 months. I am jobless, and not feeling so confident at the moment. I am constantly explaining things to the new people I meet. One example is how you can live in a foreign country but not be of that ethnicity. I am bombarded by the people who do not have enough (but they really do), and I am catching the fever that disgusts me to the very core.

My legs want to take me to another place, my lungs want to scream for freedom, my heart breaks for those left behind, and faints in the face of starting again for what feels like the millionth time in my span of 24 years. My minds longs for the confidence to manage some ridiculous establishment with food. My eyes want to let the flood of tears go in hopes that they will wash away my negativity that lingers without any sign of leaving. My soul wants to choose the better things, my soul is dry and crying for refreshment.

This completes the circle for me I suppose. I have lived in a culture that is not my own, with people that are not my own, hung out with friends that aren't really mine, and lived in houses that are not my own. I am once again brought to the point of poverty. I have nothing to offer. I am poor in spirit.

Matt 5:3-10
"Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek; for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart; for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are they that have been persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Bear with me my friends as I walk through this new part of my life.