Control Freak

I don't like to think of myself as someone who is super anal or too orderly. I like being on time to certain events, and I like things to be moderately clean. It has come to my attention over the last 2 years, however, that there are somethings that I love to have an iron grip on. My day tends to be filled with time in which I think of ways to steer things in the direction where I want them to go. The thought of letting go of it, not scheming ways to be where I want to be, or doing what I want to do is terrifying. Fear begins to grip me, and the question arises: what if what I want does not happen? What if this whole situation goes in a different direction than I could have ever imagined? What if I have to start over again with making friends? I desperately do not want to start over again with making friends. I tried to not get close to anyone for a couple of months in case I had to leave again. After a while, I was reminded that I need community, I can't live alone. In order to cope with all the uncertainty in life right now, I take certain things and hold on for dear life, as if they might save me. As if, they might have some consistency, but I know that people and places are never the same. They are always changing and growing, just like me. It's tough to think that I might have to give up somethings that I have come to love, like my church family. That I might have to start from scratch all over again, that just makes me feel exhausted.

What I haven't grasped or thought too deeply about, is the fact that all these things I have now, aren't mine. They were given to me, they were provided for me, and it wasn't an easy road to get to where I am now with my new friends. I can't fathom that there could be something better out there, that God could come and provide beyond the stretch of my imagination. I have to let go of these gifts, and give them back to the Lord.

This is not me saying that I am moving right now. I still am looking for a job, but that job could be in a different city. This is just me saying that I need to trust the Lord and follow Him where He will lead me, whether it's staying here, or leaving.

You give and take away...

Yesterday, I got an email from my boss saying that he is letting me go, because he does not want to train me. It seems that after three days, I was not perfect, and he needs too much help to keep me on staff. Therefore, I am looking for work again.

What I think of now, are the lyrics to a song, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord":

You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name.

I feel a bit lost now, but I also feel a peace this morning. Pray that I will have wisdom in what to do next.

I've got news!

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce the most recent update in my life. I finally got a job after waiting for 7 months. I started looking back in October and have been brought to this place of employment. It is a French bakery called Croissant Brioche. The store is not a chain, it's an individual establishment which I tend to prefer.

Today was my first day of training. The owner is very detailed and quite the micro manager, but I am glad that I am getting very clear directions on what I am supposed to do. I was a little bored because he would not let me do much hands on stuff. He said that he will start letting me do things in a few days. I am thankful for a job.

You can be praying that I trust the Lord for my financial situation. After training, my pay drops, but I start getting tips. I am a bit nervous about whether it will be enough for me to live on. It's just another opportunity to trust the Lord.

Praise the Lord for all His goodness!

God listens

"Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what He has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; His praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!"

Psalm 66:16-20

Easter

In the face of many things that can be taken as great tragedies and reasons to despair, I would like to look to the hope of world. Tomorrow is Easter, it is the day in history when the power of sin and death are defeated. I say "are" because I want to emphasize the reality that every day, multiple times a day, His blood is covering our sins. It is amazing to me to think that over thousands of years, His grace is still that powerful. It is not something that fades or changes like the seasons, it always remains. I don't even know how to begin to wrap my mind around that power. In a world that is so obsessed with technology, and doing things faster, they haven't even began to scratch the surface in comparison to what Jesus has already accomplished. When I look at the depravity of my own heart, and my selfishness, I get a glimpse of how huge the sacrifice is.

I am left in thought about how to properly celebrate this. I feel like going to church is not enough, and recognizing it is enough, nothing will honestly be enough. I know that God asks for my heart and wants me to live in a state of worship,, but I want to do more. I suppose this once again reflects the gospel, Jesus paid a debt that I can never pay or repay. I will just have to be thankful for it.

Thanks God.

Yesterday...

My little brother got engaged last night! I am so happy for him and his fiance. She is a great girl who loves the Lord. What a blessing that the Lord has placed this person in his life, and now she gets to be part of our family. Couldn't be happier, I'm getting another sister. Congratulations little brother. = )