Tales from South Korea

Letting go is never easy.

2010-07-12T22:30:00.002-05:00

What do you do when the stage of life your in currently seems to be impossible? When one thing after another seems to spring up, it's like trouble has found purpose in the quote, "never say die." You're in the middle of a storm, and it will not let up. I am acknowledging the many blessings, but the thing I am asking for is not selfish or sinful, I think it's actually quite responsible. I want freedom from trouble and the storm. I wish I could just hide away until it is over, but that is not an option. I must face the storm, and yet I have no power that can sway its coming or going. Once again, for the millionth time this year, I have to let go of the issue and wait for deliverance. I hope it comes soon.

This is a picture of the skyline from my friend's roof.

So much grace!

2010-06-23T16:08:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how you much more you notice the little treasures and blessings in your life when things are rough. The way that the Lord provides is astounding, encouraging, and sometimes scary because He asks to wait. I don't like waiting and not knowing or having certainty, but then He always come through with something even better than I could have imagined. There are so many blessings to count right now, and yet I still feel a bit on edge about certain situations. I'm so thankful that God knows, that it's in His hands, and that He never panics like me. I hope that my ears and heart are open to learn and receive from this time what He will give me, or how He will transform me.

Glory is not found in these shambles...

2010-06-21T23:43:00.003-05:00

In the smallest corners of our minds, man knows that it longs for glory. I would like to assert that man does not know what glory is. There may be a faint etching of the reality in our minds, but what do humble creatures like ourselves know about glory? We run after fame, money, attention, reputations, physical perfection, sex, possessions, and eternal youth. While we waste our lives searching for and dreaming of what this world deems as glory, the lowly live in it and know it. The outcasts who see the world as upside as their King did are compelled by the growing notion of it. To live is God's glory and gain. To desire His glory at any cost or state of life is freedom and joy. If the world understood this, if it knew what glory is and the only One it belongs to, perhaps there would be less striving. One day it will come to fruition, and I long for that day. Come Lord Jesus, come.

June

2010-06-02T21:42:00.002-05:00

All I have to say today in light of the new month of June, is, "press on friends, don't stop fighting, don't quit no matter how much you want to."

Entangled

2010-05-16T15:42:00.004-05:00

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope/wait in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

The word "wait" in verse 31 literally means when things are entangled in each other. Like a piece of rope, all of the chords are entangled together creating one rope. Therefore we have, those who are entangled in the Lord will renew their strength. As the pastor said, "we are not holding on, we are being help up." Let this be a call for you to be entangled in the Lord so that their is no breaking point of where He begins and you end. May we be found in Him.

Amazing PIctures!

2010-05-08T16:29:00.002-05:00

Quite recently, my younger brother got engaged and this past week, they had their engagement photos taken. The photographers are Aric and Casey. They are married and work as a team, I love their work. The two of them always manage to find beautiful places to take pictures, even in Lubbock. = ) They did an amazing job capturing Brett and Kim's personalities on the camera. Below is the link to their blog. If you scroll down a little, you will see the entry about my brother, Brett, and his fiance, Kim:

http://aricandcasey.com/blog/

OH, and if they get 30 comments on their blog entry, they get a free copy of their favorite picture. Feel free to leave a comment if you are so inspired.

Commitment

2010-05-05T17:54:00.003-05:00

I was thinking today about how God calls Himself the Bridegroom and the Church is the Bride. It then made me think of the dialogue that comprises the vows of marriage. Here is a sample text I got offline:

"I, (name), take you, (name), to be my [opt: lawfully wedded] (husband/wife), my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live."

There is nothing light about these vows. I was thinking about how God is faithful in all these things on His end, and I need to be faithful in my side as well. I need to love Him more with every passing day, for richer or poorer, through sickness, health, good times, bad times, joy, and sorrow. I need to learn His love, so that I can even begin to love Him unconditionally in return. I ought to support His goals, honor, and respect Him. Whatever grieves His heart, ought to break mine too. The things that bring Him the most joy, His glory, should become my greatest joy forever. I should consider Him first, and put His desires before my own.

I am so thankful that God upholds His end, and I pray that you and I can grow in upholding ours more with everyday.

Control Freak

2010-04-29T10:36:00.002-05:00

I don't like to think of myself as someone who is super anal or too orderly. I like being on time to certain events, and I like things to be moderately clean. It has come to my attention over the last 2 years, however, that there are somethings that I love to have an iron grip on. My day tends to be filled with time in which I think of ways to steer things in the direction where I want them to go. The thought of letting go of it, not scheming ways to be where I want to be, or doing what I want to do is terrifying. Fear begins to grip me, and the question arises: what if what I want does not happen? What if this whole situation goes in a different direction than I could have ever imagined? What if I have to start over again with making friends? I desperately do not want to start over again with making friends. I tried to not get close to anyone for a couple of months in case I had to leave again. After a while, I was reminded that I need community, I can't live alone. In order to cope with all the uncertainty in life right now, I take certain things and hold on for dear life, as if they might save me. As if, they might have some consistency, but I know that people and places are never the same. They are always changing and growing, just like me. It's tough to think that I might have to give up somethings that I have come to love, like my church family. That I might have to start from scratch all over again, that just makes me feel exhausted.

What I haven't grasped or thought too deeply about, is the fact that all these things I have now, aren't mine. They were given to me, they were provided for me, and it wasn't an easy road to get to where I am now with my new friends. I can't fathom that there could be something better out there, that God could come and provide beyond the stretch of my imagination. I have to let go of these gifts, and give them back to the Lord.

This is not me saying that I am moving right now. I still am looking for a job, but that job could be in a different city. This is just me saying that I need to trust the Lord and follow Him where He will lead me, whether it's staying here, or leaving.

You give and take away...

2010-04-19T12:10:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I got an email from my boss saying that he is letting me go, because he does not want to train me. It seems that after three days, I was not perfect, and he needs too much help to keep me on staff. Therefore, I am looking for work again.

What I think of now, are the lyrics to a song, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord":

You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name.

I feel a bit lost now, but I also feel a peace this morning. Pray that I will have wisdom in what to do next.

I've got news!

2010-04-14T20:10:00.002-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce the most recent update in my life. I finally got a job after waiting for 7 months. I started looking back in October and have been brought to this place of employment. It is a French bakery called Croissant Brioche. The store is not a chain, it's an individual establishment which I tend to prefer.

Today was my first day of training. The owner is very detailed and quite the micro manager, but I am glad that I am getting very clear directions on what I am supposed to do. I was a little bored because he would not let me do much hands on stuff. He said that he will start letting me do things in a few days. I am thankful for a job.

You can be praying that I trust the Lord for my financial situation. After training, my pay drops, but I start getting tips. I am a bit nervous about whether it will be enough for me to live on. It's just another opportunity to trust the Lord.

Praise the Lord for all His goodness!

God listens

2010-04-12T16:18:00.003-05:00

"Come and listen, all you who fear God; let me tell you what He has done for me. I cried out to him with my mouth; His praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!"

Psalm 66:16-20

Easter

2010-04-03T11:58:00.004-05:00

In the face of many things that can be taken as great tragedies and reasons to despair, I would like to look to the hope of world. Tomorrow is Easter, it is the day in history when the power of sin and death are defeated. I say "are" because I want to emphasize the reality that every day, multiple times a day, His blood is covering our sins. It is amazing to me to think that over thousands of years, His grace is still that powerful. It is not something that fades or changes like the seasons, it always remains. I don't even know how to begin to wrap my mind around that power. In a world that is so obsessed with technology, and doing things faster, they haven't even began to scratch the surface in comparison to what Jesus has already accomplished. When I look at the depravity of my own heart, and my selfishness, I get a glimpse of how huge the sacrifice is.

I am left in thought about how to properly celebrate this. I feel like going to church is not enough, and recognizing it is enough, nothing will honestly be enough. I know that God asks for my heart and wants me to live in a state of worship,, but I want to do more. I suppose this once again reflects the gospel, Jesus paid a debt that I can never pay or repay. I will just have to be thankful for it.

Thanks God.

Yesterday...

2010-04-01T12:25:00.003-05:00

My little brother got engaged last night! I am so happy for him and his fiance. She is a great girl who loves the Lord. What a blessing that the Lord has placed this person in his life, and now she gets to be part of our family. Couldn't be happier, I'm getting another sister. Congratulations little brother. = )

What I love about Houston

2010-03-29T15:15:00.002-05:00

There is one thing I love about Houston. It's not the grotesque traffic or the humidity. Shocking, I know, but the beautiful thing I love is the diversity. You can almost go anywhere in Houston and hear a foreign language. As I sit here in the coffee shop/wine bar, I have heard Russian, Greek (I think), and Spanish. Just the other day, at the grocery store I heard Japanese. Some people might feel strange, but it actually makes me feel more comfortable. I'm not the average white American, so it makes me feel a bit more at home being around different cultures or languages. Hope you can find something you love about the city or town you are in.

Rest

2010-03-25T10:58:00.003-05:00

6 years ago, I wrote a song. I don't think I fully realized what the song meant until now. There have been bits and pieces of understanding in the past, but it feels more real today. It applies directly to life as of late. I had actually forgotten about it until last night, when the Lord reminded me. I think I named it "Rest." Here are the lyrics:

Despite my suffering, I will rest in You.
No matter what may lay ahead, I will rest in You.
This peace will flow, although I never know what tomorrow may hold, I just know Your hand is near, holding me, as I rest in You.

Despite my shortcomings, I will rest in You.
When everything falls apart I will rest in You.
This peace will flow, although I never know what tomorrow may hold, I just feel Your strength draw near, when I rest in You.

When I rest, when I rest, when I rest in You, when I rest in You.

hope

2010-03-24T10:56:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about the hope that we have in Christ. Situations have sparked this contemplation. Due to these things, I feel like I am seeing it more clearly than I have before. Each day begins with hoping in Christ, and that day when He will return in all His glory to take His people home. This world is a broken place, and it's not getting any better. I am hoping in the gospel that makes all things new. I am hoping in the day, when all things will be restored to the way they should be, and nothing will be broken.

a new week

2010-03-21T20:11:00.003-05:00

The wedding last week was fantastic! I will confess that I cried a few times. What can I say, if the groom cries, then I cry. It was also great to see friends again and share about our lives. I miss them and wish that they could be closer, but alas that is not reality.

This week is going to be busier than others. There is a new wave of jobs to apply for, which is good. I am praying that one of these will be it. It's time to move on to the next part of life now. You guys can pray with me that one of these jobs will stick.

Meditation

2010-03-13T11:29:00.003-06:00

Dear Friends,

Have you ever had an experience where the Lord overwhelms you so much that you must cry for joy? Where His beauty becomes so evident that you are left in awe? I think our eyes our so often shielded from the reality and the magnitude of who the LORD really is. I write this now with joyful tears in my eyes and must share with you, because I cannot contain my joy. You must know it too.

Sometimes I practice a form of meditation that Luther wrote about. It involves taking a passage of scripture that you are familiar with and thinking through ACTS. Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication. You take each word in the passage and think through it with ACTS. How can I adore the Lord because of _____? What can I confess because of ________? How can I be thankful because of ______? What can I ask the Lord for in light of these things? How does this all tie into the gospel? All this is done in context with what the passage means. This morning I did it with Joshua 1:5-9. Here is the context:

Moses has just died, and Joshua is left in charge of the people. Joshua is afraid because he is now in charge, and because he has to lead the people into the Promised Land. He is afraid of the enemies he will have to fight, and if he is capable of leading successfully. This is part of what the Lord says to him,

"As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave to you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful."

There are two commands. Be strong and courageous, and obey the law. The second command is a stronger exhortation than the first. Which is interesting, the Lord is saying it is more imperative to obey His commands. You should put more emphasis on this than on the future enemies that you will be fighting. It's almost as if He is saying, they aren't the big deal guys. I can take them out, but you must concern yourself with obeying, because disobeying will put you in worse shape than your enemies ever could. That is just crazy to think about. Disobeying the Lord can put us in worse shape than a whole army of enemies.

Then as I meditated on it further, and asked how this ties into the gospel I saw that we cannot always obey the law. I saw that Jesus is the fulfillment of this passage. He was strong and courageous, He did not let the fear of the cross or His enemies rule His life. He completely obeyed the law never straying to the left or the right. He meditated on it day and night. He was the completion of the law. The perfect sacrifice, the High priest, and He was successful in defeating death and sin. Since He defeated death and sin, we have the Holy Spirit with us; we can commune with God without sacrifice or High priests. Therefore, He will never leave us or forsake us. In light of this, we can be strong because of His strength, and we can be courageous because of His courage. We are a set apart people, pain and hardship will come upon us, but we do not need to live in fear of it, because this is not the end. This is not what we live towards. Be strong and courageous. Isn't that beautiful? Now we can be the bearers of glory and of His image on this Earth as a result.

There were others things revealed to me in this time, but this is all I will share today. Thanks for letting me share with you, and I hope that the joy of the Lord is overflowing in your lives today.

My new love

2010-03-11T14:46:00.003-06:00

I love walking the track at Rice University. It's not really a track, it's more like a trail. I am not a good runner, so I power walk it. I love how the trees branches knit together over your head to form a roof of beauty. I love how I now recognize certain people who come at the same time as me everyday. They know my walk, and I know their run. I love how no one feels pressure to go faster than their pace. There is no competition. I love how the pathway is covered with leaves so I feel like a little child kicking them as I walk. I love the random puddles that I have to jump over like a leap frog. I love the sky line of Houston that I see at the beginning of my walk, and the cute little shops that I see near the end. I love how there are kind people who told me that I dropped my keys. I love the squirrels that watch you pass as they nibble on some food. I love the birds that sing their own soundtrack for you. I love the breeze that brushes your faces and cools your body in the Houston humidity. I love seeing the students walking with their backpacks to class. I love the energy I feel after the walk is over and I go on with my day. I love walking the track at Rice University.

*This is a picture of the track.

It's Tuesday.

2010-03-09T09:25:00.003-06:00

We are almost 10 days into March. How crazy is that? At the end of this week, I will fly out to Lubbock, and attend a wedding. It will be the first time I have seen some of these people in almost 2 years. I am pretty excited about it. Then I will be driving back with my friend. We want to road trip it kind of like Elizabethtown, and do random things on our way back to Houston. I plan on taking lots of fun pictures, and am excited to share them with you guys.

I have also given myself a challenge for the day. My challenge is to find a few new ways to serve the people in my community. I think it will be pretty easy to do because there is always someone who can use our help.

Hope you guys are having a lovely week where ever you are.

hurting

2010-03-07T19:34:00.002-06:00

Today was a tough day. I have been stressed about a few things lately, but something else got added to the list. Today, a friend hurt me. It was weird, because it is a new friend that I did not even know a month ago. I feel like I always get hurt by the same kinds of people, and frankly, I'm tired of it. It seems that being me just makes it happen, but I don't know how to not be me in these situations. I have no drastic actions in mind, I will still be myself the next time I see my friend. Right now I just feel alone, hurt, and can't seem to shake it. I felt like I was making progress and finding friends, but now I feel like I'm back at square one. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Songs

2010-03-05T10:05:00.003-06:00

I got this CD the other week from our old worship leader at the church I go to in Houston. He moved up to Portland to sing in the opera there, he's got a great voice obviously. His CD is in my car, so when I drive anywhere I constantly hear the songs. One particular song has been stuck in my head lately. I think it is more the Lord who placed it there, it comes to me at all times of the day when I am in different situations. It comforts me, and causes me to have less fear in my life. Here are some of the lyrics:

He is there, He is there, when we lose our way.
He will always guide us, through the night or day, He is always there.
He's there with you in your home, you at work, you in your car...couples in love...nations in mourning...people rejoicing....He's God when you win, God when you lose, He is there.
He is there, He is there, when we lose our way.
He will always guide us, through the night or day, He is always there.

There is another song from the CD, that is also impressing itself on my heart, and making me think through the way I live my life. Here are some of it's lyrics:

Take my hands and lift them up, for I have not the strength to praise You well enough.
For I have nothing, I have nothing, without You.
Take my voice, and pour it out, let it the songs of mercy I have found.
For I have nothing, I have nothing, without You.
All my soul needs, is all Your love to cover me, so all the world can see, that I have nothing without You.
Take my body, and build it up, may it be broken as an offering of love.
For I have nothing, I have nothing, without You.....Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to Thee. Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise, let them flow in ceaseless praise.

So remember this weekend and next week, He is there, and we have nothing without Him.

The Jungle of Unemployment

2010-03-03T10:07:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I was once again inspired, and began writing a sort of essay about my time being unemployed and searching for a job. It's called "The Jungle of Unemployment." Here is an excerpt from it so far:

I try to write this without any hints of bitterness, because if anything, I am not bitter about this time. I may not ever understand it, but I want to learn from it. Living in unemployment is a hard thing to navigate, like the jungle, but there can be beautiful things about it like the jungle as well. If you aren't quite so concerned with rushing through this time, you can stop and notice the beauty around you, the things that require you to slow down.

I sit in a cafe with my dollar cup of tea, and watch the people hurry by. I sit and observe the birds land on the iron hedge, and move their heads from side to side. I watch as the world goes by. I let the sun shine on my face, and enjoy it's rays. Flowers unfold on the branches of the trees that are about to explode with new leaves for spring. A gentle breeze causes the wind chimes to sing a short song. I just sit and let myself be a part of this scene.

Every morning is like a new birth, a new beginning, with endless possibilities for the day. Among all the things swirling around in my subconscious and all that the world throws my way, a small voice has been growing. It comes from within my heart and is relentless for it's size. It only gets louder and places roots in the deepest parts of my soul. The roots begin to grow and flourish into a beautiful great tree. As a result of this growth, the culture falls away, and I am left with the only thing that matters. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. Then love your neighbor as yourself. (Matt. 22:37-39) When I am loving the Lord and loving others, everything else follows. In loving the Lord I can work hard looking for a job, but not worry about it. My heart can wait on the Lord, and trust His timing. I can set aside myself, and help those in need. The gospel can be the foremost thing on my mind, in my heart, and on my tongue.

Despite this growth, I am still human, and sometimes this slow pace is frustrating. Sometimes you just want to make something happen....

*That's the end of my excerpt, hope it can be encouraging to you all.

How big is your God?

2010-03-02T10:07:00.002-06:00

I finished my book this week. It was a sad thing since it was one of those great books that you wish would go on forever. The last chapter was about your view of God. How big is your God? When catastrophe strikes, how big is your God? When you tackle your daily tasks, how big is your God? When you deal with difficult relationships, how big is your God? When it feels like everything is against you, how big is your God?

Do you see God as safe? Does the thought of the Lord leave you in awe? Does the Lord cause you to respond in worship? Do you realize that with God any task is possible? Do you trust Him to do what you need done, or do you try to accomplish it in your own power? Do you realize how much God has already done?

I can say that I do, I know it in the back of my mind, but when the world seems to spin madly, I don't always live that way. Sometimes my heart seems to react correctly, and my faith seems like it could not be knocked over by a bulldozer. Other times, I panic, I look to other things to fix my problems, or satisfy my needs. God tends to be downsized by me. That is why I need to remember what He has done for me, and hear what He does for others. I need to stop and be in awe of the beauty of nature, to remember that He thought it up, He created it. He is the most amazing artist. I need to read my Bible and see God's character in action. I need to envision Him parting the Red Sea, opening the Earth to swallow people, flooding the Earth and then bringing it back to normalcy, suffering on the cross, dying, and then defeating death and sin. I need to "notice" the little things as the day goes on. He causes the sun to rise, the trees to grow, the birds to sing, my heart to beat, my eyes to see, my ears to hear, the wind to blow, the clouds to come and go, the sun to set, the moon to rise, the stars to shine, and our bodies to rest. When I "notice" these things, my heart can respond in worship. When I worship, I can more rightly see how big God is.

How big is your God? What will you trust Him for today?

Encouragement

2010-02-26T16:52:00.002-06:00

An encouraging quote or two for those who are waiting on the Lord.

"What we wait for is not more important than what happens to us while we are waiting."
-John Ortberg

"We must live these words--soaring, running, and walking--'one at a time.'"
-In reference to Isaiah 40:30-31-
-John Ortberg quoting David Hubbard

If you are waiting with me for anything, take heart in these quotes, and in the place they are inspired from, the Bible.

Pink Flower

2010-02-23T16:43:00.002-06:00

There is this pink flower in the backyard. I found it's pot knocked over, and turned it back to it's right side. Since that day, I have made the flower my metaphor for these months. It was knocked over, but it was picked up and turned back towards the sun. It has lived through freezes and rains. Everyday, I check on the pink flower to see if it is withering or growing. Each day it turns it's head to the sun, and in the storms, it soaks up the goodness of the rain so it can grow.

I am the pink flower. I was knocked over, and hands picked me up. I survived the freezes and the torrential downpours. Everyday, I turn my head towards the sun, and when the storms come out, I take in the rain so that I can grow. Brighter, and more beautiful with everyday.

Writing

2010-02-18T23:56:00.003-06:00

Today and yesterday have been great writing days for me. I felt surges of creativity and new ideas. I feel like my book changes each time I write, it grows with everyday. I have one main outline I stick to, but all the in between details can change with a whim. The reality of exactly how much research I am going to have to do for this book just hit me today. I spent an hour reading about the Duomo in Florence, Italy. I have been to the Duomo multiple times, but I discovered that I do not know much about it's history. Patience is also key in this process as I take the time to write about the details of the different places, but how can one write about all the details of the Duomo? That would be a book in itself. Eventually, I will have to find my happy medium between literally descriptive, and too vague. I would post part of the book for you all to read, but it is still in the baby stages. It would make me nervous to let the public, or just a few friends read it now. Maybe when I have gained more confidence in it, I will put up a bit and get you guys feedback.

Here's to creative endeavors that keep our minds running.

Focus

2010-02-16T16:57:00.003-06:00

"I arise today through God's strength to pilot me; God's might to uphold me, God's wisdom to guide me, God's eye to look before me God's ear to hear me, God's word to speak for me, God's hand to guard me. Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ on my right, Christ on my left, Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise. Christ in the heart of every one who thinks of me, Christ in the mouth of every one who speaks of me, Christ in the every eye that sees me, Christ in every ear that hears me. I arise today through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity."

-"Lorica" by Saint Patrick

When our focus turns to Christ at all times, in every aspect of our lives we will find it hard to be disappointed, or lose hope. Still reading that book by Ortberg.

2010-02-15T14:23:00.002-06:00

When I feel alone, I will trust in You.
When it seems that I don't have the strength to wait another day, I will trust in You.
Here I am crying out to You.
Speak to me in the quiet of these days.
Grow my capacity to love You more.
Place in me the patience to wait and the perseverance to press through this time.
Teach me and remind me who You are.
For You have always been faithful to me.

A Cave

2010-02-09T10:11:00.000-06:00

In the Old Testament, before David became king, he was in a cave. King Saul, who used to favor him, now wanted to kill him out of jealousy. Essentially, he lost his job. Then he went to the Phillistines and pretended to be crazy so they might give him sanctuary, but they didn't want another crazy person. Then he goes and hides out in the cave. On the bright side, he had acquired a group of people that were in bad situations themselves , and together, they formed their own city. One day, their city was pillaged while the men were out. Everything and everyone was carried off. The people blame David. He also in this time period loses his first wife who was Saul's daughter. His best friend could no longer maintain contact with him either, since he was Saul's son. David is stripped of everything: job, friends, wife, family, reputation, home, and comfort.

Psalm 142 is David's lament to the Lord. The Lord welcomes our laments. Which is such a comfort to my heart. I am glad that the Lord does not want me pretend that I am always happy or that things are always wonderful. I think I seem to forget that Jesus also did some time in a cave as well. He knows the lament very well. This is my time in the cave, and this is my time to write my lament. I will write, and I will learn. The time of the cave will eventually pass, I just to have to remember that everyday until that day comes.

*These thoughts were also sparked from "If you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat."

I need you!

2010-02-04T11:00:00.000-06:00

About a week ago, I started writing a book. It has a lot to do with traveling, well, one person's travels around the world. There are so many details that go into writing, and I want to be as accurate as possible. So I have a special request of my readers. If you have any great knowledge of a foreign country from first hand experience traveling there or research you have done in the past, I would love to hear from you. Any details will help me be accurate and true to the places and people I will be describing. I am currently, on Chapter 2. Chapter 3 will be when I start to use details about the different countries. If this whole thing goes well, maybe I will try to publish it. Although, that is a long time away. Look forward to hopefully hearing from you all.

February is here.

2010-02-01T10:38:00.000-06:00

Welcome to February 2010! The second month of the new decade. A time for change to carry on, and processes to continually unfold. We all know what this month is for America and some other countries around the world. Out of all of my friends, I know an equal amount of people who love and dislike Valentine's Day. I myself, must say that it holds a special place in my heart. I have never had a Valentine's Day with romance or some significant other, but it is so much more than that to me.

We are called to love each other as one of the greatest commands. Even though many of us are aware of this, we get so busy and bogged down with our lives that we forget about loving others, and focus on loving self. Sometimes it happens without our noticing, it creeps in when we are exhausted or have had a hard day. Sometimes we go head first into it, quite willingly, because we think we deserve it. This is why I love Valentine's Day. No matter where you go in commercialism America, you can see hearts, flowers, and candy. It could be something that seems obnoxious and annoys you, or you can take it as a reminder to practice true love. A chance to stop for a day and think through how you might consider others more than yourself. Knowing the friends around you, think about what would best communicate love to them. Is it a gift, encouraging words, serving them in some way, a big hug, or letting them do something for you? Maybe we can even let this day overflow into everyday, and make it a way of life.

You never know how you can affect someone by loving them for a day.

A few requests.

2010-01-27T11:07:00.001-06:00

Look at this website please. Do something for the kids who were sex slaves this Valentine's Day.

http://love146.org/

I have phone interview some time this week as well. I would appreciate prayers for wisdom when it happens. Thanks!

Change please

2010-01-25T12:26:00.000-06:00

In stages of life where things are difficult, or there is no certainty of how they will turn out, sometimes it feels like you possess nothing. In a desperate attempt to hold on to something, I grab the easiest thing, my pride. It's always there, sometimes it is smaller, or takes a brief vacation, but it has never completely left me. Pride is easy to reach out for in this time, because for the majority of the day, I think about myself. I look at jobs online, apply for jobs online, and think about myself. I think about my future, my next apartment, how to decorate it, my next church, the new co-workers/future friends, and how I feel like all of this is so far away. Then I get sad, and I go into a state of "pity me, look at the hard situation I am in now." When people treat me like a normal person, I am suddenly offended that they do not remember my difficult situation, and withdrawal into myself. There is too much time with me during the day. Even when I go to other places, I am still just with me, because I don't know the people around me. At the end of the day, the people I know here get off work and there are times when we hang out, but many times, they are tired. This is completely understandable, I had a job and remember how exhausting work can be. Once again, I hang out with myself.

There is a great desire in my heart for this to change. People need to become a part of my life again. The day no longer needs to revolve around me. Looking for jobs will still be important, but I would love to consider others more than myself in the middle of this stage of life. If I don't, I will continue on this path of critically judging everyone around me, pitying myself, and despairing. I want to remember that I am not as smart or perfect as I think I am. I want to make an effort with the people around me, even if I already think they are anti-social and exclusive. God needs to once again bring the reality to my heart that I cannot do all things, but He will enable me to do them. He will help me through this part of life, and the next, even if great hardship is involved in it. He has already given me all that I need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him (paraphrasing 2 Peter 1:3).

Revel in the simple.

2010-01-23T00:43:00.000-06:00

Simple Things that I can revel in, simple things great and small.
Simple Things all shapes and sizes, the Lord made them all.
Simple Things that lift my heart, simple things that astound my eyes.
Simple Things that look like difficult things, but are just in disguise.
Simple Things that time cannot comprehend or erase or replace.
Simple Things inside the Earth or outside it in cosmic space.
Simple Things that create a melody for my heart to sing.
Simple Things on pages that take flight with their wings.
Simple Things that children know, but adults forget as they grow.
Simple Things are what love knows best, and we should be blessed to remember the rest.

More Simple Things for today:
-snails on the sidewalk at night
-moonlight
-wind chimes
-earrings that sparkle
-words that rhyme

Do not leave easily.

2010-01-21T00:09:00.000-06:00

* this is a picture of my car

5 things I am thankful for:

-rain
-sales
-books
-how the Lord is blessing my brother
-more time

I went to Borders and read today. It was a great chapter in my book that prepared me for the rest of the day. A few things that really struck me from the chapter were:

"When life does not turn out the way you plan, you forget that other people face disappointment too....Your world becomes so small that your pain is the only pain you notice. That is the death of the heart, the loss of meaning."

"Sin...is always a substitute for legitimate suffering. It is an attempt to obtain the pleasure that does not rightfully belong to me or evade the pain that does."

"'Wherever you find yourself--do not easily leave'....community is hard, authentic friendship is hard, patience in work is hard--so leaving will always look more attractive in the short run."

There were many more quotes that I wanted to take and absorb into my heart and my mind.
This chapter was perfect for today, for this season of life. After reading the chapter, I called a bakery I had an interview at the beginning of the month. They had told me they would not know about hiring until the end of January. Seeing as today is close to the end of January and I had not heard from them, I called them. I did not get the job, but neither did the other candidates who interviewed. They decided to go in a different direction at the last minute, and gave a promotion to someone from within the bakery. I wasn't too disappointed after that, I had another company email me about an interview in the morning. I called them and scheduled an interview. After calling, I did more research on them, and they are actually quite terrifying. They promise their employees things that they do not give, and threaten you when you start to ask too many questions. This led me to the obvious conclusion that I am not going in for the interview tomorrow. I do not want to be forced to order in and pay for it, or to drive around the person who is interviewing me for 10 hours. At the end of all this, I felt like I was back at square one. No leads, no one interested in me. Not a hopeful situation, but I am left thinking of Joseph from the Bible. I am thinking of his life and all the things that went wrong, all the dreams that were lost, and all the darkness he must have faced. Even in the times he was choosing to do the right thing, it did not always pan out well for him. The hard times shaped him so that he would be prepared for his future. I will wait while these times shape me for my future. I do not want my world to only be about me, I don't want my heart to die. I want to be the wise person who welcomes the hard times because they bring a new depth to life.

(If you want more quotes read "If you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat" by John Ortberg)

Simple Things

2010-01-17T23:49:00.000-06:00

A dear friend of mine, and fellow blogger wrote a simple statement this week about enjoying the simple things. I feel at times, it is difficult to do this. I forget the simple things the Lord gives me, and sometimes, the bigger things too.

In an attempt to live in a way that is pure, lovely, wonderful, and pleasing to the Lord, I am making a list of the simple things that I enjoy.

The beauty of simplicity:
-raspberries
-laughter with friends
-blueberries
-colors
-coffee
-tea
-sweatshirts
-boots
-blue skies
-art
-blankets to cuddle in
-30 Rock
-scarves
-the fact that my car is orange like a tangerine
-generosity
-fish in aquariums
-Planet Earth DVDs
-Nickel Creek's music
-pleasant aromas
-wind in the tree branches
-jewelry
-firewood
-singing
-cooking for other people
-wine
-words
-the way my little brother always tries to hold open doors, carry my bags, or hold onto a bottle I am trying to open
-the way my sister lets me borrow her clothes and shares her house with me

I am going to try to continue the list week, as an active effort to enjoy or rejoice in life now.

The One Who Sees Me

2010-01-14T10:57:00.000-06:00

I've been meditating on Genesis 16 lately. The chapter is about Hagar, Abraham, Sarai, and the Lord. If you remember from the previous chapter, Sarai gives her servant, Hagar, to Abraham to sleep with so they can have a child. She does not trust the Lord when He says that He will give them a son through her. After sleeping with Abraham, Hagar gets pregnant, and Sarai starts to mistreat her, she resents her. Hagar decides to run away. When she is in the middle of fleeing from the situation, the Lord appears to her. He tells her to go back to Sarai, have the child, and that she would have many descendants. He also tells her that the Lord has heard her misery. At that spot, she names the Lord, "the God who sees me."

I find this comforting. Even though Hagar was not who God wanted to bring His line through, and even though she was a part of sin, He still hears her misery. He is the God who sees her in all situations and loves her. We are not hidden from Him, He sees us. Beer Lahai Roi. He knows.

Speaking of knowing, the Lord has blessed me greatly. He always does, but He has given me something tangible. I have a car now. I got a great deal on it, and I won't go into all the details, but let me just say that no human could have put together a better situation. It is so perfect and tailored to what I am going through right now, that I know it is only the Lord who has done it. He knows what I need, even in the times when I can't hear Him.

Saving

2010-01-07T11:04:00.000-06:00

After much research, and emailing, I finally got a straight answer out of a pastry school for their price. They called me yesterday afternoon to tell me, and I was not surprised, but still wanted to cry at the thought of it. So you might be thinking to yourself, "what could that awful, magical number be?" I will unveil it to you. Brace yourself. Drum roll please.............Going to a pastry school would cost me $21,000. There is financial aid, but I doubt it will cover a huge amount of the cost. There are also scholarships, but the largest one I found is for $1,500. That doesn't help out much. I am also currently without a job, so it's not like I have a lot of funding. They did bring up the option of a loan too, but I already have college debt, and soon will get a car, which will accrue more debt for me. I don't really want to take out another loan, especially that amount.

It's moments like this where I wish I would have know these things about myself in college. If I had known I hate management, I wouldn't have done management in college. I probably wouldn't have gone to a normal college at all. I would have gone to pastry school right away instead. Now the only thing I can have as comfort is the fact that God must have wanted me at Tech, since He didn't show me these things until after graduating. That leaves me where I am today, still waiting and trusting that the Lord will bring along His best for me. Maybe someday, I will be able to afford pastry school.

Americano Life

2010-01-03T18:43:00.000-06:00

Now I have cut into about three weeks of fresh Americano life again. America in all her glory has given me a wonderful homecoming gift. I received it a few days after I stepped off the plane onto the red, white, and blue soil with the tune of "I'm Proud to be an American" in the background. It was really big, and wrapped in the shiny paper of consumerism. Of course, I can't forget to mention the bow on top that was held together by self sufficiency. I was so stunned to receive such a large, "glamorous" gift that I didn't quite know what to do with it. After a minute of staring, I began to open it with high hopes for something good. Seconds later, the paper was on the floor, the gift was laid bare, and I knew exactly what it was. It's another part of my life that repeats itself over and over again. The world knows it as "culture shock", but I like to think of it as my torture for at least the next 6 months (most likely). Now, I am not about to stand up and say that I felt at home in Korea's culture, but I did in Italy's culture no matter how chaotic it was at times. What can I say, I just love Europe.

I feel like a space ship re-entering Earth's atmosphere. Everything is going really fast, and I feel the pressure like a fire all over me. Hurling towards the Earth, on fire, and waiting for my crash landing. I am driving again for the first time in 15 months. I am jobless, and not feeling so confident at the moment. I am constantly explaining things to the new people I meet. One example is how you can live in a foreign country but not be of that ethnicity. I am bombarded by the people who do not have enough (but they really do), and I am catching the fever that disgusts me to the very core.

My legs want to take me to another place, my lungs want to scream for freedom, my heart breaks for those left behind, and faints in the face of starting again for what feels like the millionth time in my span of 24 years. My minds longs for the confidence to manage some ridiculous establishment with food. My eyes want to let the flood of tears go in hopes that they will wash away my negativity that lingers without any sign of leaving. My soul wants to choose the better things, my soul is dry and crying for refreshment.

This completes the circle for me I suppose. I have lived in a culture that is not my own, with people that are not my own, hung out with friends that aren't really mine, and lived in houses that are not my own. I am once again brought to the point of poverty. I have nothing to offer. I am poor in spirit.

Matt 5:3-10
"Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek; for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart; for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are they that have been persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Bear with me my friends as I walk through this new part of my life.

What's next...

2009-12-07T03:51:00.000-06:00

One week left Italy, I'm sad to leave, and happy to start the next chapter of life. I have a job interview on the 21st of December. Please pray with me that I will get the job. It is at a cupcake bakery, I think it would be lots of fun.

I am also thinking that I want to become a pastry chef. That would require me going back to school for about a year or so. I am trying to think about where I can squeeze in classes as I work. Hope you are all having a lovely December.

Trees

2009-11-29T06:01:00.000-06:00

We sit in anticipation of our next destination on the train.
We roll slowly through the countryside, past rows of vineyards, stacks of hay, and trees.
The leaves of the trees create a collage of color; red, green, gold, and orange.
They dance playfully with the wind, and begin to fall in delicate spirals towards the lush green grass.
Boldly, the trees begin to bear their branches to world, ready for the icy cold of winter.
Brown, gray, and white bark with knots, or indentations; they openly bear their scars of the past.
Their stories can be told with one look.
No fear in their hearts, they face the uncertainty of tomorrow.
No worry in their minds, they trust their days to their Maker.
Oh what great reminders are whispered by these trees.
They shall stay this way, as we continue past them on our journey of life.

Success!!!

2009-11-20T15:57:00.001-06:00

Ladies and gentleman, I am proud to announce that this birthday was a heck of a lot better than last years. I will write more about it soon and post pictures from the event.

Thank you God, for a good birthday.

This week...

2009-11-15T15:17:00.000-06:00

My cousin is coming to Bologna on Tuesday. It should be lots of fun getting to show her around, and travel a little more than normal. I will upload some pictures of our adventures in the future.

This week also signifies my 24th birthday. I can't quite believe that another year has passed. Last year, was the worst birthday of my life. My school that I worked at was sold, so I got a new boss and was not sure if I still had a job for half of the day. There were also two mandatory social work outings that day. Later, I went to a hookah place with my co-worker to celebrate, and felt a little sick afterwords. When I got home, the stomach pain did not stop, and it was followed by 13 1/2 hours of throwing up. This year, I making an effort to see that it is different. I am praying that it will be fun, and not painful. The situation is different, so I have hope that it will be a great one.

Hope you all have a great week, and love the Lord well.

notes from the heart

2009-11-04T15:29:00.000-06:00

I went to a conference last weekend. It was really encouraging, the different talks all spoke to my heart. Here are my notes from one of the talks. I hope you have time to read it, and be encouraged in your ministry whatever it may be.

From the Early Morning, Sow the Seed:
Eccl. 11:6

-We bring the hope of the nations (gospel), we have the precious gift of salvation

Prov. 6:10, Luke 13:3, Luke 4:42
-sow the seed, do not stop yourself or let others stop you!

-you have to know the soil you are sowing (aka culture, religious backgrounds, etc.)
-when a farmer intended to sow the seed, he had to take the stones out of the soil, remove weeds, work the soil to break it up, and then, he got to sow the seeds

-when coming into a culture that is not your own, do not share the gospel in a way that destroys their culture or their identity (ex:most Italians are Catholic and say they are Christians because they are Catholic. Do not tell them that they cannot be Catholic to be a Christian, because Catholisism has become a part of how they identify who they are)
-instead of destroying, respect them, love them, and use wisdom in how you approach them with the truth
Matt. 28:19 (Great Commission)

-little by little change will come
-you are a Christian, but you are also a disciple (from the Latin word for student)
-pray A LOT, listen A LOT, if you hear a word from God for someone, write it down!

I Cor. 11:1, 4:6
-we are to be immitators of the Word, mirrors reflecting it

Job 8:8
-don't ignore history
-take notes on the lessons you have to learn from God
-remember, you are on a team with the Holy Spirit (Matt. 28:20 "and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.")

Ho scelto di studiare Italiano.

2009-10-20T10:45:00.000-05:00

In my attempt to learn more Italian, I thought I would share somethings I have learned with you all. Now you can also use these phrases in your everyday life in Italian.

La vecchia casa e gialla.- The old house is yellow.

Mi chiamo Julia.- My name is Julia.

Ho studiato Italiano oggi.- I studied Italian today.

Voglio questo.- I want this.

Qui e?- Who is it?

Il bambino e sotto l'aero.- The boy is under the airplane.

Cosa fai?- What are you doing?

Please forgive my lack of accents, they do not exist on my keyboard. I hope you all have fun using these fantastic phrases in your everyday life.

Better

2009-10-16T17:09:00.000-05:00

Things are getting better on this side of the ocean. It has been an encouraging day. I studied Italian for 3 hours, talked on the phone with a potential employer, and went to a Bible study that is in Italian. I was lost half of the time, but it was encouraging that I understood some of it. My church vocab. is pretty good, now I just need to work more on my everyday language and speaking. Speaking is really the most difficult part of it for me. You can all pray that I would be improving and patient with myself/others.

Praise the Lord for all these blessings.

What do you need?

2009-10-10T15:48:00.000-05:00

People need inspiration to thrive.
People need purpose to live.

Where do you find your inspiration?
Is it in the people that are in your life?
Is it in creation?
Is it in music?
Is it in organization?

Our purpose it to glorify God.

How do you use your inspiration in partnership with your purpose?
How do you glorify God?

When was the last time you made an effort to listen?
I'm not very good at listening.
I get uncomfortable in the quiet stillness, especially, when I think something should be happening.

How can I learn the art of being still? I seemed to have lost touch with it.

As you can see, beauty inspires me in any form.

Questions and a Statement of Moderate Length

2009-10-05T17:12:00.000-05:00

A few questions:

What is my boat right now? Am I getting out of my boat?

Am I doing what I know I should be doing?

Why is society so driven by what they accomplish? Why can't we be, let God do, and stop racking up points for self righteous calculations?

A statement:

It is hitting me this week, that God puts me in odd positions that most people do not get to experience in their lives. I think I have a tiny idea of why I am here in Italy now. It was not the reason I supposed in the beginning, but when has it ever been what I thought? I came with nothing but the most glorious ideas and plans to progress my adulthood/future. It was a plan of action, not idleness, and then God stopped me in my tracks. There was a slight flaw in the layout I had created beforehand. Perhaps, I could have carried on with the old plans, but there were tiny irritating details that were not right. This is in no way a statement advocating idleness or saying that God has called me to be idle in this time. He is rather, calling me to something the grown up/working world will not see as practical or impressive on my resume. I don't think my life will ever resemble "the norm" for an adult. I will work, pay bills, and all that other fun stuff. There will also be times in which, I think I won't, times like now. This could all be proven wrong quite quickly over the next couple of years, but I am just pointing out the pattern I am noticing in my life. These times are not really for myself, but for others around me.

The Italian Saga Continues...

2009-10-02T04:14:00.001-05:00

How do I even start this? There is so much lately, and yet it feels like time is passing vaguely with no great intent. I still have not started cooking classes. That fact alone leaves me with little to do during the day. I read, and have opportunities to serve others, which I will expound upon more later in the post.

I have a few acquaintances here in Bologna, but no great friends to go and grab coffee with. Goodness, these are great moments when I miss Korea. No, not Korea, but the parts of Korea, and the people there. I miss having people to do things with. This morning my mother asked me if I was going anywhere, and I am afraid I might have had a rude tone with her in my response. All I said was, "no," but I could have said it in a nicer tone. My response was fueled by the thought of-- why would I go somewhere? There is no one to go somewhere with, so why I would I go somewhere alone? I actually did go downtown the other day by myself, but it was so boring. The only excitement was that I was doing something, I was exploring again. There was an undertone of adventure lingering in the bus ride, and the accomplishment of knowing which stops to get off at, but loneliness was soon my companion as I walked the streets of Bologna by myself for 30 minutes. You think that being in Italy would be exciting enough to make me happy, but it is not enough.

On that note, I will let you all know what the Lord has been in the midst of my loneliness and searching for a place here. I have been reading from this book that my friend gave me before I left Korea. It is like a daily devotional. It is called "Streams in the Desert."

The first lesson is that sometimes the Spirit requires from us a service of waiting. As the author states so eloquently, "I came to see that in the kingdom of Christ, there are not only times for action, but times to refrain from action.....Inspire me with the knowledge that a person may sometimes be called to serve by doing nothing, by staying still, or by waiting." The question now is can I learn to wait and how can I glorify Him when He asks me to do nothing?

The second lesson is more like inspiration. I will just leave you with the quote and let you think upon it. "It is your mission to walk onto the stage of this world in order to reveal to all of heaven and earth that the music in life lies not in your circumstances or external things but in your own soul."

I have recently had an opportunity to serve as I mentioned above. There were some circumstances in which I could use my cooking to serve others, and it was a blessing to me maybe more than it was to them. I was so thankful to have something to do with myself. There have been some things to do, but they have all been focused on me and my stupid cooking lessons. When I cooked for the family, it felt right, it was like that was what I was meant to do. I long to be removed from myself and to be poured out for others. Why must I wait, why can't it begin now? I was made for a life of service, and yet it seems there are other avenues I must travel before I can reach that purpose. Maybe it is like Spurgeon says, "Is the Lord uncovering your gifts and causing them to grow? Is He developing the qualities of a soldier by shoving you into the heat of battle? Should you not then use every gift and weapon He has given you to become a conqueror?" I don't feel like I am in the heat of battle, but maybe this time is a battle in itself. A silent battle that must waged within my heart. Perhaps this battle will increase my heart's strength and make it able to withstand all that lies ahead of it.

I am reminded now of my friend in Korea who would always say with tears in her eyes, "There is just so much goodness, so many good things here." I want my heart and mind to travel in that direction. I will keep waiting for it to begin, and remember there is so much goodness. There are so many good things here. Thank You God, for this place and this time even if I don't quite recognize all that You are doing in it.

The Italian Chapter Has Only Just Begun.

2009-09-23T14:54:00.000-05:00

I have made it across China, Russia, and arrived in Italy. Nothing too exciting has happened over the past couple of days, just trying to defeat my arch enemy, jet lag. I am also in the process of trying to get my bank to understand that I do not live in the USA, even though I have not lived in the USA for over 12 months now....I have words for them that I will not express here.

Now is the time that I find myself the most antsy. I can't really relax, and I am having a hard time imagining a new chapter of my life. There is a war inside of my head. Time to make new friends, time to do new things, but I am not quite ready yet. I can't quite abandon the past 12 months. Not that coming to a new chapter means disregarding the old one, but it just all feels too quick, too fresh. I don't feel like I am in the right place right now, and I have no idea where the right place would really be. I feel like I am running into some invisible wall that will not let me pass. Despite all my feelings, I know that we live by faith and not sight, but sight has been discouraging me more than I would like it to. Hoping that I will soon find that adventurous girl that I seem to have left in Asia.

To top it all off, I miss my friends. You can listen, but you can't know unless you were there. It will never be the same again. History repeats itself, but God doesn't work the same in your life, He tends to go about teaching you things in different ways than before. Waiting for Him to move or for me to be aware of it, but until then, I will continue walking in this fog.

I'm actually leaving on a jet plane soon....

2009-09-19T04:58:00.000-05:00

Dear friends and family,

Tomorrow, technically Monday, I will get on a bus and go to the airport. Then, I will get on an air plane and end of year in Korea. Once I get to Italy I will write a more formal post about it all, but this is all I can manage for time's sake now. Pray for my rearranging of bags, and the journey ahead of me to Italy. I cannot believe I have made it to this day....thanks for all of your support and prayers through this chapter of my life.

This is one of my crazy classes that I love and will miss.

unraveling...

2009-09-15T10:06:00.000-05:00

I feel like a frayed sweater, and someone is pulling on the loose string. Slowly I am unraveling this week. Between saying good bye, packing, and being booked every morning/night, I am exhausted. I have teared up a few times over the last couple of days. This is brutal, just like leaving Lubbock was brutal, but in a different fashion. Just trying not to get swept away in my sea of emotions....

This is a picture of my student Sophia and me. Isn't she precious?

Round Here

2009-09-10T08:09:00.001-05:00

Not much to say today except for emotions are high these days over here for me.
Packing has begun, and I never thought that would happen. Sometimes I used to wonder whether I would live through these 12 months or not. I am trying to be balanced. Making time for people, packing, cleaning, closing it all up, and processing is not an easy task. This is my least favorite part of life. The only thing I am trying to fill my mind with, is the joy of the Lord. Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice, and rejoice! That joy is the only thing that will see me through the harder areas of leaving the people I love so dearly here, and the life that I have grown slightly comfortable in.

I want to continue to be responsible. The goal is to not let sloth creep in. You know when time passes and you look back on younger years. I am seeing how stupid I was. I am learning to value discipline, and slowly getting rid of my pet sloth named "apathy," which has lived with me for about 5 years now. Without even realizing it, I have kicked "apathy" out this year. I suppose this is evidence of maturity in my life. A good sign at the end of 12 months.

Keep me in your prayers, my journey is right at the finish line, but I have not crossed it yet.

Balance beams

2009-09-06T05:32:00.000-05:00

Two weeks left and so much to do, or potentially do. Sometimes I find myself living with this syndrome in which, I try to fix everyone and everything around me. Here I am again, trying to mend broken relationships between other people, say everything to everyone that needs to be said, and make sure that it is all running smoothly when I leave. My desire to break out my tool box comes from a few good desires that are twisted into something not healthy. When I can't fix my problem or yours, I have a hard time accepting it. As I close this saga with the Asian relative of "Wrapping It Up," I am trying to find the delicate balance between being controlling over the situations, and not doing what the Lord wants me to do. Oh how balance is the key, and it always reminds me of a balance beam in gymnastics. That was the apparatus I hated the most. One wrong move and you were on the ground. With God as my spotter, I am confident that it will all turn out well.

For Brett

2009-08-31T10:01:00.000-05:00

I had a talk with my brother a few weeks ago about the future. New changes are ahead for both of us, and he described this image that I cannot get out of my head. Here it is thought through, hope you enjoy it brother.

I stand on the precipice of all that is to come.
I feel the winds howling, and running right through my body, sending chills to my bones.
I see the clouds approaching, they are rolling in like the tide.
I smell the rain that lingers from afar.
I feel the rush of adrenaline at the edge of this cliff.
I can't move forward, but I am captivated and cannot go back.
I do not know what is coming, but I see the danger, the excitement, the joy, the hope, the tears, the heart ache, the fear, and the all consuming glory.
I long for the storm; for the rains to beat down against my body.
I long for the purpose and the direction in which it travels.
The danger enthralls me, and brings me closer to the end of the jagged limestone monument, built in pride, that stands against every storm.
I want to leave the ground and take flight into the eye of the madness, which is the calm of the storm.
I want to defy the expectations of this world, and go beyond what any ordinary man can dream.
You are drawing me closer......closer......closer.......closer..........and closer.
It cannot end, I will stand in this state of euphoria, and wait for what is coming next.
I will wait for the storm.

Fast Answers

2009-08-30T04:06:00.001-05:00

I said I needed tangible encouragement, and I got it today. It came in the most unexpected form. For special music, a group of blind people came in from a blind ministry. One guy sang, and a girl played the piano. The song made me cry, and the speech before the song made me cry more. He sang "Give Thanks," which, I normally find a cheesy kind of song, but it came to life for me today. Before the song, he said that sometimes he feels sad about his weaknesses (aka-blindness), lack of family, and money, but he remembers what Christ did on the cross. When he remembers this, he is thankful. It was like once again, the Lord was reminding me to be thankful in all situations. When he sang, "Let the weak say I am strong, let the poor say I am rich, because of what the Lord has done." you could see that he really meant it. Lots of people were crying, and I suddenly felt as if my situation is not so bad. It is something I will struggle through, but I will overcome it, because He makes the weak strong. Our God, is the strength of the feeble English teachers, such as myself. I have so much, and am so blessed. Today, I am thankful, and I hope this continues until I leave.

Trials....again.

2009-08-29T19:01:00.000-05:00

I am at the three week marker. Three more weeks, and all the drama, joy, and tears will be over. It's been a hard week to say the least. Too many things have happened, I have wanted to pick up and leave multiple times. It feels like someone wants to steal my joy and not let me leave well. Matter of fact, I am sure that someone wants to ruin it for me. The past four weeks have been so good, but I know that these last three will be a battle. My co-worker, Chloe, is gone now. Her last day was Wednesday, and that statement in itself is part of my controversial week. Work is not the same without her. I miss her bubbly smile and enthusiasm. We would sympathize with each other through these work dilemmas, but now I just have Andrew. I love Andrew, but he is passive and does not like to vent or have someone vent to him. He will only break when the pressure is on, and it is no longer bearable. I, on the other hand, feel that it is healthy to express yourself at all times, maybe more than I really should. At the end of the day, I am thankful that he is still here with me. All I know is that the Trinity will have to be taking lots of action in my life for the next three weeks. I am seeing old trials come up again, and it is like a big re-test. It's almost as if someone is giving me a second chance. Some of these tests were handled well the previous times, and some not so well. Pray for me and my upcoming trials, I know there will be plenty at hand this week alone. On Monday, I teach from 2pm-9pm with one 45minute break around 3:30pm., but no dinner break. I also will have completely new students. It is sad to me that I have to leave soon and I am now teaching different kids that I do not know. I cannot spend my last days with my kids that I have had for 11 months. It feels kind of stupid to walk in on Monday and say, "Hi, I'm Julia, I leave in three weeks, so enjoy our short time together!" These are only a few of the things that compiled to make the ugly monster that we will call "last week". I will end this post by saying that I am not excited about the next three weeks, God will have to give me visible encouragement soon. I will update more later, and let you all know how the rest of it is all panning out.

May I have this dance?

2009-08-22T01:44:00.000-05:00

In my pursuit to be a responsible adult, there are some days where I feel more like a teenager than an adult. It is like a violent wind is pushing me back from all the steps forward that I have taken this year. Will I ever get better at being a disciplined person? I am doing a salsa dance with responsibility. Two steps forward, and one step back, two steps forward, and one step back. Perhaps, eventually I will make some more head way, but for now, I see no great progress. I am just dancing in the same spot with a few spins around it. Will this dance with responsibility ever get easier, or will I just have to suck it up and keep dancing for the rest of my life? If that is the case, I think I should have picked different shoes, these heels are killing me.

Confusion and Fear

2009-08-19T08:16:00.000-05:00

"For God is not a God of disorder but of peace."

-I Cor. 14:33

You know those moments in your life where everything feels like a swirling vortex of never-ending madness? The moments that leave you curled up in the fetal position on your bed or on the floor, praying for the darkness to pass, and all the while wondering how you ever got to this place. Nothing seems to be clear, everything is quite ambiguous and part of you is lost. It feels like your soul has a missing limb. You know it is there somewhere, but you just can't seem to find it. Maybe it is numb and waiting for the circulation of life to return to it, or maybe it is gone. I only dare to dive into this dark place with you all to address an issue that has been haunting me for the past three or four months. It came a bit before "Wrapping It Up," it was unexpected, and hard to etch its character with my words, but I will try my best. This visitor will earn the name of "Confusion." I have been fighting a daily battle with confusion in my heart since I started reading a certain book. I had to stop part of the way through, because parts of it were very real to me, and evil I should say. That is when this wretched visitor took up residence. It slowly, but surely oozed its way into my box that I call home. Around this time, some of my church friends began to approach me and speak to me about things like gifts of the Spirit aka-speaking in tongues. My mind began to launch into this cataclysmic spiral, I was questioning all that I knew about this topic. After research, and discussion with others, I came to a conclusion, but "Confusion" did not go away. It was so subtle and slimy that I did not even know it was there. My heart never realized something was wrong, until my eyes saw the reality that most of my emotions were dead. I am not saying that emotions are the ultimate in this life, we walk by faith and not sight, but I am normally such a highly emotional person, that it scared me. Now, let me introduce you to "Confusion's" friend, "Fear." "Fear" and "Confusion" are old school pals, they ran in the same gang and still have not grown out of the habit of making people's lives miserable. When "Fear" entered the picture, I was listening to many podcasts. These podcasts would scare the hell out of me. They were about things like false prophets, people who pretend to be believers and are not, and my personal favorite "A Call to Weep." I know that I have an authentic relationship with the Lord, and that I can approach His throne with confidence, but I also know what happens to some people over time. I know that we have all witnessed watching a person who was walking with the Lord, or whom we thought was a strong believer go drastically in the other direction. I began to fear that this would be me. James 1 speaks of a man who looks in a mirror and then forgets his reflection. It says that if we hear the Word and don't do what we hear, we are like that man. "Fear" had me paralyzed for a few weeks, because I knew that I do not always do what I hear. I know that there are times when I go straight in the other direction. During these podcasts, that I used to find as an encouragement, I would cry and lay on my bed in a little ball. Afterwards, I would go to work, not have any energy, and be disappointed with myself. For about a month, I thought this was normal and okay. After seeing affect it was having on me physically and at work, I stopped listening to them. In these times, where so many lies were being spoken to me, God was always whispering the truth. He started with, "you will never be enough." The next week it was, "it is okay, I don't expect you to be perfect." These words over and over again, until I finally decided to believe them.

In our Biblestudy that we are doing with our church right now, there has been one verse that has moved my heart. It has brought this whole fiasco to light. It is the one I started the post with, I Corinthians 14:33 "For God is not a God of disorder but of peace." When I saw this verse, I saw my visitors for the first time. I have promptly kicked them since then, and hope they never return. This is a truth that I want etched on my heart in these times. There is so much uncertainty about what I am going to do with my life or where the Lord even wants me to be. Holding this verse firmly in my heart, and my mind, I will venture into the next chapter. All I can hope for now is normal emotions for a person who is leaving a place they have to grown to love through many battles, and that there will be no further unexpected visitors apart from God's doing. On another note, I do believe that in some of these times I was under attack, it happens, I Peter 5:8-9 says so, "⁸Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." Please pray for me in this last month. The only thing I know is that he probably attacks those who can do great things or have great things in store for them, and honestly, that makes me excited. Let's see what the Lord does. I invite you to watch and wait with me. In light of all this, I have switched to something a little stronger to take off the edge, a nice cup of coffee. Until next time, stay grounded firmly in the truth and have a cup of coffee for me.

2009-08-18T08:05:00.000-05:00

Do I hear You?
What are You saying?
Maybe I am not the best listener.
Maybe You are silent.
Maybe You are whispering.
In the still small moments of silence and serenity Your presence abounds.
That is enough for today, knowing that You are here with me.
Being enveloped in Your peace, even if I am not hearing anything.

Green Tea

2009-08-13T08:28:00.000-05:00

39 more days...I have a plane ticket, it is booked for September 21st, 1:10pm. Tomorrow, I go out and say bye to my friend Yanin. Two weeks after that, I get to say bye to one of my co-workers, Chloe. I feel like I am lacking the words I need in these last few days left. It's like a well coming up dry and empty. I feel so much, but the Lord is giving me perfect peace. These past two weeks have been relatively easy because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I guess this just another cup of tea I am having with Wrapping It Up. The flavor on this occasion is green tea. When you make it right, it tastes great and refreshing, but leave the tea bag in too long and it is bitter/nasty. For example, these are refreshing days. At work, when the kids act up, I am quite calm, and actually can relate to them better now. Maybe it's because I feel like there is nothing else that they can throw at me. They can say what they want, and do what they want, but in about 5 weeks, they will be someone else's responsibility. I am being blessed with a disposition to love most of my classes at deeper level than I normally would. There are still a few classes that I will NOT be sad to get away from, but I love the rest of them. I find myself wanting to just hang out and play games with them, and get to know them more before I go. I have resisted, and stuck to drilling the complex English language into their tiny heads. My greatest desire as this time with them winds down, is that they would feel loved in my class. That they would see a living example of the gospel. Looking back over the past 11 months, I know that there are times that I have not displayed the love of Jesus to those kids. My heart hopes that the times when I did will overshadow them. I hope they come to understand that they are precious in God's sight, even when the culture and their own family tells them they are not. These are my thoughts as of late. Just hoping that this tea bag does not sit too long and turn sour before I go.

A Piece of Work...

2009-08-03T08:44:00.000-05:00

Following the lines on my hands, looking at the delicately crafted appendage and pondering its Artist. Crafted with great care, no detail over looked. It was all quite deliberate and unique, not the same as His other many masterpieces, but equally loved. It's not just skin deep, there is more going on underneath than you can imagine. Though man explores every facet of the life pumping in my body, they miss so much. In all the bundled nerve endings, veins, micro organisms, and organs that create the most magnanimous maze-I am still a vast expanse that you cannot exhaust. Beyond the physical, He created a canvas that is intangible. A canvas that runs like a rampaging river, changing colors with the setting sun, and bursting with exuberance in it's purpose. The Artist has not stopped creating, molding, and making me into everything that He has ever dreamed for me to be. He fashioned me in His image, bestowed me with every curl on my brunette head, measured out my height, and blessed my vocal chords. The quirks and rough edges are not always valuable to the watchers; but it is not for the watchers in the gallery, I have one critic. I have an audience of One that I live and breath for, my Artist. Fixing my eyes on Him and awakening to a new life the surpasses the walls of this gallery. A moving, living, breathing, free work of art in process.

The Inevitable...

2009-07-31T22:22:00.000-05:00

Saturday morning, I am sitting in my apartment listening to Sara Groves "He's Always Been Faithful" song on repeat. I am reveling in the Lord and His faithfulness to me. Today marks the beginning of August, and I find myself wondering how I have survived this long here. It is amazing to think of all that has happened, and is still happening despite the fact that so many people I love are leaving this place. As I changed my five different calendars, (yes, I have 5), I was overwhelmed with all the emotions and the only thing I feel in my heart is thankfulness. Here is my next date with Wrapping It Up. I will walk you through this cup of tea, because I believe it is crucial to all persons who experience transition. Let's face it, whether you want to or not, you will be in the same place that I am one day. This tea date calls for peppermint. It's quite appropriate in light of the refreshing taste it leaves in my mouth. Wrapping It Up looks at me from his seat on the floor and reminds me that there are only 7 weeks left in Korea. He says, "Are you ready to leave? How are you going to deal with this?" Tears well up in my eyes as I sit in my lime green camping chair. "Think about all the wonderful people and things that have happened and are happening now." he continues and sips his cup of peppermint tea. The memories are flooding back to me. Memories of September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June, and July. Friendships of all shapes and sizes, trials and triumphs, falling and getting back up...the list continues to flow through my head like the Red River. All the while the lyrics "He's always been faithful to me," are playing for the twentieth time, yet it is not enough, I feel I will never grow tired of those words. "All I have need of His hand will provide, He's always been faithful to me." I feel paralyzed by the words, by the gaze coming from across the room. "You know this is the key to leaving," says my visitor looking at me with those piercing eyes that always make me feel 5 years old again. "Be thankful for what has been, what is, and what will be. He has always been faithful to you, He always will be. I know that you feel like you don't know where you are going or what you are doing, but He does." Now I have to breath deep the peppermint aroma and take a few gulps to help ease the tears that won't stop coming. They are falling the like the rains of Daegu in monsoon season. Moments like this remind me that no matter how much I dislike Wrapping It Up and his family, they have all had their therapeutic moments. Wrapping It Up shows me the pain, and the joy in it all. My thought process is interrupted as Wrapping It Up utters another phrase, "Remember Julia, you don't have to have it all together, that's not possible." Relief floods over me, and for the millionth time in my life I lay down my gynormous burden at the cross. "He's always been faithful to me." I breath out. These are the moments when I know the love the Lord, the moments when I am brought low and reminded that I am just a person. He is my King, I am the servant. All I want to do now is sit at His feet for a little while, until He tells me what we are doing next. I feel the comfort of His arms around me holding me in the midst of this turbulent world. Now I know that He loves me. I always know it in the back of my mind, but somedays I believe it well, and others I do not. This beautiful moment is one that will stay in my mind when I need a reminder to press on.
I look across the room and realize that Wrapping It Up is still there, "Sorry for neglecting you, I was just having a moment, or ten I guess." He smiles and shakes his head, "It's no problem, I have always enjoyed listening to this song. My job is not always talking. Well, I am finished with my tea. Isn't peppermint so refreshing?"
"Would you like another cup?" I offer.
"No, that's okay, I have to get going, I will see you later, I'll call ahead of time to let you know what tea I will want." He gets up slowly, humming the song quietly, and leaves.
Dear friends, leave well, and even if you are not leaving now, remember He is always faithful to us. Try some peppermint tea this week, it is one of my favorites these days. Love you.

P.S.-Inspired by my visitor over my vacation I visited the green tea plantation in Boseong, South Korea. The picture is the green tea field.

For my dear friend...

2009-07-22T08:08:00.000-05:00

This post is dedicated to a dear friend of mine who has stuck herself in a bad situation again.

For you my dearest friend and...
For all the broken-hearted.
For the fools who so diligently place their hearts and hope in another broken person's hands.
For the collapsing feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are once again, let down.
For the pedastool that you always put those men on, they can only stand on it for so long, friend.
For the rapid fluttering of your elated heart when "that" person is near.
For the excitement they bring to the world, when suddenly, everything is new and full of color.
I say all this for you, because....
Love has the power to move mountains, change hearts, change lives, change minds, give life, bring freedom to those in bondage, and so much more.
The world yields for love, yet so often, we find that our imperfect love is just blind infatuation.
I love you friend, and hope you see that life does not begin in these things, they are merely just a grain of sand on the ocean shore.

Life starts now.

2009-07-20T08:49:00.000-05:00

I read something profound today that sparked great thoughts in my mind. There is a chapter in the book, "Cold Tangerines," and it is called Waiting. It is about how we are all waiting for our lives to start, and we think if only we were richer, thinner, lived in a different place, or had a different job, then our lives would really begin. This is why so many people love the epic movies with the turning point, the moment that defines the beginning of rest of their lives. I was watching a movie last night thinking that my life was a bit dull, and if only I had a bit more adventure than this humdrum business. I quickly retracted my statement when I read this chapter. Life has begun, it is happening now, nothing gets more exciting than this. We are living a life with the God of the universe who has a purpose for us, and we must take captive every moment we can. For who knows what is written that we do not see, and whose live are changed as a result of the things that we consider dull. Honestly, my life is not boring, the fact that I live in South Korea kind of knocks it off the charts. Even more exciting is that I can see God's hand moving here, and there are things that I know I cannot see as well. What I cannot see makes me even more excited than what I can see. Here is a toast, amidst my many cups of transitional tea to the adventure of life, and the glory of God that it is purposefully exercised in our world.

Tea Time

2009-07-17T23:03:00.000-05:00

Tea Date #1: Bhavani is gone. We all went out for the last time with her yesterday. The choice of tea for the occasion was sweet with an awkward taste that tends to linger, and finishes with an unemotional response. I am sad that she is gone now, but I didn't cry. It really hasn't hit me yet, I wonder when it will...

*Bhavani is the one in the middle.

The Ocean

2009-07-16T07:53:00.000-05:00

My love for You is like the ocean shore.
You will find it shallow apart from the water.
When the water has completely consumed it's expanse, it reaches to unsearchable depths.
Depths of great mystery that no man can define or know, but You.
Without the water, I fall to pieces and am formless.
With the water, You can shape me in anyway and fulfill Your purpose for my existence.
Consume all that I am with Your water, I desire nothing less.
The crystal blue depth revives my weary soul.
Let the tide roll in with all Your mighty waves.
Move me with Your ebb and flow.
Oh that my love would be like the great depths of the ocean floor at all times.

Do you remember your security blanket?

2009-07-08T08:01:00.000-05:00

It feels like the fall again, some of the trees even look like they are changing colors, or maybe they are just dying from the heat index. I am now brought face to face with the fact that I am desperately impoverished once again. It was the looming cloud over my fall months and even settled into my winter. Honestly, it was the grace that helped me attempt to learn humility, servant hood, and love at different levels than I had been willing in the past. Once again, I revisit the fact that there is nothing good in me, I have nothing to offer apart from the Lord. This reminder has been quite gloriously highlighted by my desire to string along a certain person; like a child drags their security blanket behind them on the ground. It is actually quite the twisted relationship. No, wait, I recant, that is no relationship, it is a twisted addiction. The child claims to "love" this blanket, yet drags it through the dirt and refuse of this world. I think if the child honestly loved it, it would carry it properly in its arms. It would not ever carelessly touch the ground, it would be protected, but this blanket merely exists to fulfill a level of need and selfish desires. This person is my security blanket. For the sake of posterity and in case any of you should ever meet said person down the road in your life, I will not say his name. Rather, I shall call him Collin Firth. Collin makes me feel like I am in a familiar place, and I have confidence in this place that I know. It does not surprise me as so much of this year has. He is also an attractive human being who may be attracted to me as far as I can tell. That is never a bad thing in a girl's eyes (unless you are not attracted to that man). Finally, when you mix all these factors together over a period of time at room temperature, rotating the bowl every so often, the result is a validated human being. I honestly feel excitement when Collin is around, even though I know he is not the best thing for me right now. My friend says it is because I am bored at times. Knowing me, and the fact that I love painting word pictures or referencing metaphors, I will give you another one for this debacle. It is like the flamethrower at church, I love the rush I get from the fire that shoots out of it. I love the fact that I can control the strength of the flame, and I never waste a second thinking of its dangers. In reality, it would take the smallest thing for the fire to get out of hand, and for the adrenaline rush to kill me. I have no wisdom in my head regarding how I might stop or destroy what has become an idol, because this has been my fall back with similar versions of Collin over the span of my life. I am only asking that the Lord takes the flamethrower out of my hands. That He becomes my validation and security. It's time to grow up and surrender my blanket.

Prayers and wisdom are always appreciated.

My coat rack

2009-07-06T09:28:00.000-05:00

The state of my apartment resembles the state of my life.
A hook is missing from my wall so my coat rack is hanging slanted.
Gravity is taunting it, waiting until the final hook gives way and crashes to the ground.
When will it no longer be enough to hold the weight of everything I have piled onto it?
It does not realize how much danger lies in hanging by one hook, naively holding on, and for what?
Only in the moment that it begins to completely become unattached to the wall will it realize what is at hand.
Only at the time that it is falling, will it's eyes be opened to the peril it was living in for so long.
How long will it take to repair once the damage is done?
I suppose for now the coat rack enjoys the thrill of living on one hook.
It knows it ought to let go, but life would be so dull otherwise.
Why does this stupid thing thrill it so?
The good natural thing, has become the dangerous thing.
It will be humbled, it will be brought to its knees, and it will be pieced back together from the shambles left laying on the floor.
The soiled garments that once hung on it will be cleaned.
It will fulfill it's purpose once again.
It will hang on the wall, and display the beauty it's master has placed on it.
Adjusting to two hooks will take some time, after living so long in the other manner.
It was almost like second nature, but continuing in that way would only mean death.
This time it will be stronger, this time it will remember the danger of the thrill, and it's fall.

Let me close this metaphor with a reassurance that nothing overly dramatic or awful has happened to me. I am just referring to some issues that the Lord has opened my eyes to over the past weekend. They have been prevalent for so many years, but only now can I see it. May you have the grace to see yourself rightly this week, and walk away from those things.

Hello July!

2009-07-02T08:12:00.000-05:00

July has arrived subtly over the green ridges of the Apsan mountains here in Daegu, South Korea, and I am facing a new chapter of my journey here. I dub this one sweet and sour. Reality has come knocking at my door, I have been refusing to answer, looking through the key hole and wishing that my visitor would just leave. It doesn't quite ever work that way. It always returns in some form or another. I am deciding to embrace it now so as not to have it come back and visit me in later years, resulting in something more emotional or ugly than the present. I like to think of the summer months in Korea as the harvest time. All the new teachers begin to come, and all the old begin to leave. Reality's estranged side of the family that is visiting me now as I have come to know so fondly is named "wrapping it up." Yesterday, I went to a good bye party for four different people. This past Sunday, I also said good bye to two other friends of mine from church. I will be one of the last of my group of friend's to leave, except for the few who are or have resigned. I hate being left, I would rather leave than be left. The feeling leaves me with an inexplainable lack of words to describe the feelings in my heart or how the blood begins to pulsate in a different manner through my veins.

"Wrapping it up" and I have a few tea dates ahead of us. I am not sure which tea I should buy in preparation for it, I must be careful because my visitor's family tends to be picky. "Wrapping it up" has many siblings. There was "Wrapping it up Austin", "Wrapping it up Germany", and the most recent one was "Wrapping it up Lubbock College Years." Each sibling was different, and preferred a different kind of tea. One was mild and decaf camomile. The other one wanted Chai, and the last one wanted Passion Tea from Starbucks. I have a feeling that this visitor will not want green tea, even though it is the Asian sibling. We will sit outside and enjoy the summer weather when it is not too hot, and have tea multiple times over the next two months. At the end of these two months, when the summer sun begins to fade and the breeze begins to hint at the coming of fall, I will have my final visitor in Daegu, South Korea. That unavoidable September month will bring a rollercoaster of emotions, and something stronger than tea, by that I mean coffee. = ) My final friend is named "Say what you need to say." I will spend time with those who mean most to me here that are left, and have deeply moving and beautiful talks over coffee. Then I will board a big jetplane on September 22nd, that will take me to the next chapter that I have yet to name. It is really too soon to say now, but I will tell you when the time comes closer.

Why I tend to struggle more with my current visitor than any of the other siblings of the past is, because there are SO many DIFFERENT feelings associated with "Wrapping it up Asia." I revel in the thought of no longer teaching the same tedious monotonous curriculum every 3 months to rude or overworked children. I revel in knowing that I will not be stared at in Italy. I will have access to a bathtub, an oven, and to family! On the other end of the spectrum, I have invested so much, in so many people here, and it grieves me to leave them. To not know if they will ever have changed hearts or lives. Leaving my church family here will tear me apart on some levels. This is my first time to not shop like a consumer in a market for a church, but ask God how I can be a part of my church instead of just criticizing it. The thought of leaving certain students of mine also grieves me deeply. There are specific ones that I love so much, and know that I encourage them since they are outcasts in their own culture or family. I have been pushed and shaped so much in this place that it will always hold a special place in my heart, and yet if you asked if I wanted to do it again, I would say no. Too many extremes on both ends of the spectrum. I haven't cried yet, I don't really know when it will happen. Right now, I am doing the only thing I can, stocking up on different kinds of tea so my visitor will not be disappointed. I fear not the future or what it holds, rather I want to live in my present well. Have a cup of your favorite tea for me this week.

It's been a little while...

2009-06-21T04:09:00.000-05:00

I realize that it's been a little while since I last updated, but my sister has been here for the last two weeks, so my life has been running on turbo schedule. Today she left, that was sad. As I sat on the train ride home thinking about how hard it is to see people and then let them leave again, I was doing my Biblestudy, Experiencing God. This lesson was about obedience to God and the fact that it effects everyone around you. Everyone pays for your obedience or disobedience. Being obedient meant coming to Korea, the cost is missing family and friends back in the states. I don't even want to know what the consequences would have been if I had not come. Now I am just praying for the courage to continue obeying, even in the hard times. Even if I know that it not going to be glamorous or fun. I am currently also re-adjusting to having no one in my apartment with me. It is not fun, especially on the first day. I am trying to stay busy, and rest at the same time. Hope we all hear what the Lord says this week and obey.

Great Song

2009-06-02T10:27:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite songs of all time. I started listening to it again today because I remember it after 10 years and I am working on my Spanish. It is originally in Spanish, but I have translated it into English for all you and me. It helps me appreciate it more. If you want to see the Spanish look at my notes of Facebook. I have it posted there as well. Read through the lyrics, better yet, meditate on them.

Jehovah, Lord of the heavens.
Glorious is Your Name.
The King of the universes and Redeemer of men.
The rain in the trees. The wings of the angels. They would proclaim Your beauty.
They would announce Your riches. I am weak Lord, and blind.
Overwhelmed by horrors, sinful desires, and apart from Your giving.
Free me from my wickedness.
Bless me with Your goodness.
Sustain me God in Your grace, sweet lover of my soul.
The dwelling of Your temple is illuminated with beauties, stars of the firmament, and a spring of colors.
Magnanimous in Holiness, splendid in charity.
Jehovah, Lord of the heavens, Light of the eternal way.

Memory

2009-06-01T09:10:00.000-05:00

It's funny what you remember about places or languages. Today, I was talking with my brother about Germany, and the only German that I can remember. I was exposed mainly to church vocabulary because that was the only place that I really heard consistent German speaking. The irony is that there are some words that I remember, but did not know what they meant. My brother looked them up for me and I am think that it was more of an encouragement from the Lord than anything else. Those two words are: verlaufen and vertrauen. I don't know how it happened, but they returned to my mind tonight. Verlaufen means essentially to run or continue, and vertrauen means belief or trust depending on the context used. Let me just tell you that today was a hard day. We got our new schedules, and I pretty much loathed the entire day. I contemplated quitting a few times because the thought of continuing in this for 3 more months make me want to shout obscenetities or just sit down and cry. These two words minister to my soul to press on even though everything in me wants to quit right now. I am even wondering if it is worth the money I will make to stick around until September. You can pray that I will take these two words to heart, and the other word that I received from the Lord this morning. It was actually foreshadowing for my whole day, because He said that He would carry me through this, that He would be enough for me today.

As for the issue in which I needed perspective, it seems very small compared to insurmountable feelings welling up in my heart right now. I have to battle through the next three months, and then wrap it all up in September. Today I don't want to be a teacher, but God is telling me to stay for the rest of my contract. I will obey, but the joyful part will take some divine intervention.

P.S.-The whole thing with North Korea is not as crazy as the news makes it seem. Be careful what you believe on the news.

Perspective

2009-05-28T09:46:00.000-05:00

When your life has situations that you cannot understand, it is easy to blame God, or to try and figure it out yourself, but I am learning to wait for His perspective in the situation. "His" being God's perspective, thought I should just clarify that. I thirst for His perspective and yet am afraid of it at the same time. Afraid that it will mean pain, it will happen if it has to, but I don't want it to. I want a perspective that is pain free, but how often does that happen when we so often try to control our own lives. I don't know why this situation was brought into my life, I did not seek it out, and I cannot run from it. All I can pray for is perspective, patience, and wisdom to see this clearly, because quite frankly, it so easy to be blind. This sucks....

The Results

2009-05-25T20:06:00.000-05:00

I did not win in the Art competition, but I am okay with that, because two far more talented artists won. If the other two people in my category had won, then I would be sad, but they lost too, so all is well. Here are some pics of everything like I promised:

If I love...

2009-05-22T23:13:00.000-05:00

The deeper I dive into my Bible study with church, the more I see how active love must be. If I love the Lord, I must obey Him. Obedience always requires action, sometimes the actions are not fun or easy. Right now, I am learning life lessons about obeying, and seeing that God will give you the same opportunity to obey Him with an area that you failed in in the past. He did it all the time with the Israelites, there were many tests that were repeated so they could learn to obey the Lord. This time, I want to obey, I do not want fail like I did in the past. Redemption is beautiful, and having a patient God that wants you to learn so much that He would give you a second chance is amazing to me. Here I am, under construction as always, but welcoming the changes that are taking place. I hope that I can leave Korea in September and say that I have no regrets about these 12 months.

On other exciting notes, I got to share the gospel with my friend Beth on Wednesday night. We talked a lot about the reality of hell, and there has to be a hell for there to be a loving God. It was definitely an answer to prayer because I had not gotten to share with her yet. She said that she likes talking about these things with me and does not know exactly what she believes yet. She does however believe that we are all essentially gods at different levels, and that we should all love each other. I told her I agree that we should all love each other, but that Jesus was the only one who came in human form and was also God. I am hoping that we will get a chance to talk about the depravity of man soon, I am looking to proding her a bit about the fact that we are all gods. What a scary thought, may it never be!

My last point is that tonight is the awards ceremony for the art show. There are only 5 people in my category, so that makes my chances a lot greater to win. They will give awards for first and second place. I will let you all know what happens. Even if I do not win, I will not be too disappointed, I am just happy that I got the opportunity to participate in something like this. They also have our artist statements posted up for everyone to see as they look at the art, I will show you the pictures of it all later. Hope you are having a blessed week!

Learning...

2009-05-18T09:45:00.000-05:00

A new English teacher here had his birthday yesterday, and a friend asked him what he learned in the last year. After she asked that question, I began to think of what I have been learning in my 23rd year of life. Here are a few of the things:

-you are never too young to be in the center of God's will
-worrying about things can make you physically ill and tear you apart
-it is never too late to say "I'm sorry" for mistakes in the past
-obeying God is the most freeing thing in life
-walking by faith requires living in discomfort
-not being comfortable pushes you closer to God
-God doesn't promise me wealth, health, or happiness, but He unceasingly loves me and says that His love is enough
-Loving people requires time, humbleness, and willing to be vulnerable
-you don't need what you think you need much of the time
-God is always at work around you, watch to see where He is working and join Him
-share the gospel at every chance you get, it could mean life for someone else, and it will definitely remind you of your own life that have been given
-people aren't meant for trophies, pedastools, or idols, they always fail you
-spend lots of uninterrupted and uncompromised time with God
-when you ask Him to speak, He does, so make sure you know what you are asking for
-don't let the mole hills become mountains and distract your walk with the Lord, they aren't worth it
-when you have a hard time spending time alone with God, it is not a scheduling issue, it is a heart issue, or better stated, a love issue
-I am here to do one thing, "Love God, know God, and love others."
-I have so much more left to learn....

New Art

2009-05-14T10:06:00.001-05:00

Over the last month I have been creating three paintings that will be displayed in a gallery/competition May 20th-23rd. Here they are:

-The first one with the pollution mask symbolizes what Korea lets in and keeps out. They hold very tightly to their traditions, but do not let much of the outside world in.
-The second one with the words and the mouth is about the power of our words. Your words can change lives, move cities, nations, and the world, so don't waste your words!
-The last one is my favorite. The girl is facing the rain, and the rain is not normal water, it's buttons, because you never know what the rain is going to be. You never know what will cause a tragedy in your life, and the buttons are happy at the same time, because these tragedies/hardships shape us closer to the image of our Lord. They can be beautiful, so you can face the rain with joy.

Hope you guys enjoy them.

That I Might Know Him

2009-05-11T10:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I read a sermon by Charles Spurgeon. It was 8 pages long, so I had to take a few breaks for my brain to comprehend the whole thing, but it was awesome. Spurgeon, if you have never heard of him was a really amazing man. He was not educated formally in seminary to be a pastor, but felt God's call in his life, and followed it. He became one the most influential preachers in England. He has a really hard life. He battled depression, many people were lying about him maliciously in the newspapers, and people would often give him death threats. I am so highly encouraged by his life, there are times in my past where I have given into despair and I never thought that I would read about such an influential servant of the Lord who struggled with that. It always seemed like there was something wrong with me, that people who loved Jesus really didn't have this problem, but they do. I do far better with this now then I did in the past, and I think Spurgeon had it more severely. Yet, you see how God used his life so greatly.

Secondly, he suffered. I am learning that if you love the Lord and live out the gospel, you will suffer. It may not have happened to you yet, but it will. This not an exciting thought for anyone, but here is the joy: we can share in His sufferings. It is not meaningless, it is not pointless, it lets us be closer to and know our Lord.

Which brings me to my third thing, his whole sermon was about knowing Him. We can know the deeds and actions of Jesus, but if we do not know Him; what is the point? You can know what someone does without really knowing them. Only when I experience Christ as my Deliverer, my Portion, my Hope, my Grace, can these things become more than words off of a page. I like the sermon because he talked about the different stages of a relationship. You can have a relationship with someone you hardly know, but there are certain things you do in order to know that person well. You want to know their thoughts, concerns, passions, dislikes, heart ache, and joy. Spurgeon was saying that His Word should point us towards wanting to know Him. In His Word we can find His heart. We always talk about our relationships with God, but how often do we forget what that is? How often do we forget that it is about knowing Him? Knowing Him with a balance of passion and intellect. I know I forget often, I hope this reminds you if you find yourself in that same position.

Living Contrary to my Nature

2009-05-06T20:49:00.000-05:00

I somehow always fool myself into thinking that I have gotten away from my pride, or that it has decreased over the years. To my great displeasure I have found this morning that it has only morphed from one type of pride to another. Many people love being right, and they love justice. I am the foremost front-runner for both of these. You will have a hard time telling me I am wrong, and I love justice, especially towards myself. Don't treat me badly or look out, you will have another thing coming for you! The longer I am here, the more I am convinced that Korea is a place where people lie often in business. I feel bad saying that, but is my first hand experience. I had learned to live with the reality of that and was fine until last night. My sister will be visiting me in June, and my co-worker, Chloe's ex-bf is visiting her. He wants to work so he can make some money while he is here, so I felt like it was perfect timing. I would get a week off to hang out with Jess, and he would be making some money. Last night, Chloe and I approached our manager to ask her for permission. She basically said that it would be impossible, but it's not impossible. Chloe's ex-bf has a teaching degree, and will be working for Andrew for one week before he would replace me. He would know the ropes of Reading Town, and it wouldn't be hard for him. Our manager was still saying no, so then we brought up the fact that our contract says that we get 10 days paid vacation. We told her that she owes me time off. I told her that I did not appreciate the fact that I was lied to. I told her when the director took on the contract, she took on that part too. Then she said to me, well I think you better pack up your things and let him take your job if you want a week off. Chloe went bolistic on her, and then we informed her that he is just visiting, not staying. After 40 minutes of arguing with her, she said she would "think" about it, and tell me tomorrow. EVERYTHING in my nature wants to walk into her office today and tell her that I have no respect for her, that she is a two faced liar who only cares about money, and not about people. Yet, when I woke up this morning there was this tiny voice in my head that said, "You're wrong." I went for a walk, on the walk the Holy Spirit was reminding me that I am not to live driven by my passions and pride. I don't want to let her win, but I know there is something bigger at stake here. Jesus loved those who betrayed Him, lied to Him, disowned Him, who killed Him, and He loves me. I am not my own, I do not have any right walk into that office and give her a piece of my mind, because I am to love her despite everything she does to me. I do not have to agree with her, but I cannot walk around with this sense of entitlement. Honestly, who am I? What do I deserve? Today the Holy Spirit will need to banish all of me from myself so that I will be able to walk into that school and be honest, but loving. It is NOT natural, and it is NOT easy. All I feel now, is remorse, I do not feel that I have represented the name of God well. I don't know if I ever do it well, but this time was not my brightest moment. I am still debating whether I need to apologize to her or not. Pray for me, because I have a LOT of pride to overcome before I take that step.

"GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE." I Peter 5:5

The Big Picture

2009-04-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

Here are some thoughts compiled from my Bible study and a sermon I heard the other day.

We are so good at looking inside ourselves. We are such an introspective culture, but that is not how it was meant to be. God revealed to me the other day that I have been so busy looking at myself, that I have not seen what is around me. I think looking at your life and being aware of your sin and relationship with the Lord are good things, but I am talking about an obsession. I get so easily caught up in what is happening in my life that I forget that it is not about my life. I am a tiny speck in the HUGE picture that the Lord is painting. It is like in Exodus when God uses Moses to save the Israelites. The most important point was not God's will for Moses, but His will for Israel. He let Moses be a part of it, He let Moses be at the forefront of bringing His chosen people out of Egypt! Now, I am here in South Korea, and it is not ultimately about God's will for my life, but His will for those around me. He is letting me be at the forefront of what is happening in the English teaching community here in Korea. Praise the Lord that it is not about me! What a relief. What a joy to be able to be involved in all this. I could have never picked a more exciting arena for my life. Dear brothers and sisters think this week about how you are a part of the BIG picture. How is God using you to bring His glory and kingdom to pass? Consider the joy that He uses bumbling fools like us, I think He could find better help, but I am so glad that He lets me in on this beautiful masterpiece.

our talents

2009-04-21T21:08:00.000-05:00

It is time for a few changes. I was listening to a few Tim Keller talks I had again, I haven't heard them in months, so I felt the Holy Spirit was prompting me to listen. He speaks to seminary students who are working to be pastors in these talks, but they can be applied to any believer's life. There was one line that slightly terrified me and stuck out at the same time. He said that you can be using your gifts, but not walking with the Lord. He said that this is how so many pastors fall into sin, they are using their gifts, so they think they are doing good, when in reality, they have not been in the Word or prayer. God has given me many opportunities to use my gifts here, and I tend to think that if I am using them, I must be on track with the Lord. I am taking time to carefully re-examine my life. I will still use my gifts, but I will not be using them to measure how things are going.

Hope you are all having a fantastic week and rejoicing continually in the Lord!

A Korean Wall

2009-04-13T09:03:00.000-05:00

I have hit another Korea wall. It started this weekend. The spiral began through some painful circumstances and escalated when no one came to church with me, and then church was pretty blah. I think I built it up more than I should have. I thought, this is Easter, it will be an awesome sermon, that is not really what happened. Having no one come to church with me is discouraging because they keep on saying they will come and they do not. Not that church will completely change their hearts, but I am yearning for them to know. There is this battle waging for them, I see it clearly, because every time I make any progress with them, another new thing shows up to distract them. It is painful and grieves me deeply that they do not know the Lord and keep walking in darkness. I feel it so severely in my heart that it discourages me. I doubt what the Lord can do, because it feels like I am waging an endless battle and not getting anywhere. I pray that God helps me in my unbelief, and through my emotions. Then, as of last night, the thought of being here for another 5 months made me want to cry. I have not felt this way in quite some time, I believe that there is great spiritual warfare here, more than I experienced in Texas. I can feel the drain of it. I am reading the Word now, bringing to mind verses of truth that the Lord is my Strength, Fortress, Deliverer, and He has already won the battle. Pray that I would be encouraged by the Lord and His truth so that I may press on here. Pray that I would fight hard and not give up on my friends, even in the moments I feel I am losing them. I am choosing not to despair, but to look to the only hope I have here.

Love you all dearly. Thanks for your prayers as always.

Beauty for Ashes

2009-04-06T10:00:00.000-05:00

"We're discovering that lots of times, not every time, maybe but more often than not, there is something just past the heartbreak, just past the curse, just past the despair and that thing is beautiful. You dont want it to be beautiful, at first. You want to stay in the pain and the blackness because it feels familiar, and because you're not done feeling victimized and smashed up. But one day you'll wake up surprised and humbled, staring at something you thought for sure was a curse and has revealed itself to be a blessing-a beautiful, delicate blessing."

"Nothing good comes easily. You have to lose things you thought you loved, give up things you thought you needed. You have to get over yourself, beyond your past, out from under the weight of your future. The good stuff never comes when things are easy. It comes when things are all heavily weighted down like moving trucks. It comes just when you think it never will, like a shimmering Las Vegas rising up out of the dry desert, sparkling and humming with energy, a blessing that rose up out of a bone-dry, dusty curse....We become who we are in these moments"
-Cold Tangerines

The quote above is just a reflection of how I feel about Korea now. I am sure that everyone could take it and apply to their life at one point or another. We all have our Korea times of life, don't we?

On another note, I invited the Wolbae crew to church for Easter. I just sent out the message, I do not know what the responses will be. I am praying that they will all come. The Wolbae crew is composed of: me, Chloe, Andrew, Ian, Rick, Yanin, and Bhavani. Keep praying for them, this could be a powerful time in their lives.

The blind, the deaf, and dumb.

2009-03-27T19:42:00.000-05:00

God has this perpetual cycle taking place here with me in Korea. He takes one of the people I am closest to in the Wolbae crew, and gives me some special one and one time with them. First, it was Andrew, then it was Rick and Ian (I don't really want one on one time with either of them), then Bhavani, and finally, Yanin. Up until this week, Chloe has been the only one who had not had that one on one time with me. This week she has been complaining about the drama in her life as any other normal week. The only difference about this week, is that she is really misses her ex-almost fiance back in Canada. Last night, I told her I wanted to borrow a movie from her since she has like a million here with her. After work, we went to her apartment, and as I was thumbing through her DVDs she poured out her heart to me. She told me how she hates it here in Korea, and she never wanted it to come to this. How the people here have disappointed her and let her down. How she is bitter about bad relationships with the opposite sex and the fact that her best friend is in a "good" one right now, but she can't be happy for her. I asked her what she thought would make her happy since all her efforts were failing. She said she had no idea. Then she asked me if I liked it here, I told not really. I said that the growth/changes in my life, and the people were the only thing holding me here. Her second question was how would I change my outlook? God was the response I gave her. I told her that He has brought me here, and how this was never in the plans for me, and I know that He loves me, so He would not do something bad to me, even if it feels hard now. I said He is the one who has never let me down, you can't depend on people, they will let you down, but He won't. The whole time she is nodding her head, saying yeah, and even affirming how the Lord brought me here. At the end of my explanation she says, yeah you are right, I can't depend on people. I just need to be more dedicated and try harder with losing weight. My heart broke again for what felt like the hundredth time here in Korea. Chloe is what the Lord meant when He was talking about the blind, deaf, and dumb. She has the gospel right in front of her, she knows that her efforts are not enough, but she refuses to see her need for a Savior. She will not stop going, even at night, so she does not have to risk feeling the empty meaninglessness of her life. She thinks romantic love will make it complete, but once she has that, she will see that it is not true. I guess she just forgot about when she was with Eric and came here, her life was not complete then, so why would it be complete with him now? What a tragedy, what a trainwreck. I know that the Lord is grieving with me for her. Pray for Chloe, that someday she will see, hear, and be able to speak.

Available

2009-03-24T09:13:00.000-05:00

So neither of them came to church on Sunday. Shawn has insomnia and cannot sleep here in Korea, and Bhavani partied it up as always. I had coffee with Shawn after work tonight so we could talk about his walk with the Lord. It was interrupted by his boss who just said he was coming over to his apartment. We are meeting again on Thursday to finish our conversation, or more like start it. We really did not talk more than 20 minutes, and most them were him asking me questions about my past. I wanted to say, stop asking me questions, let's talk about God! The Holy Spirit gave me patience and I think I will have to ease into the subject of God with him. Maybe he needs to feel comfortable with me, like he can trust me with this information about his life. Here I am, available and waiting for the Lord to do what He does best in Shawn. Hoping that Bhavani will eventually go to church with me, and until that day, I will be available as her friend to love her. [I will love her after she comes to church too. = ) ] That is where I am right now.

Lately, I have had this overwhelming feeling that creeps up on me at different times of the day. It tells me to get out of this place and leave. What quickly follows is a feeling of despair, and I have to fight it. I am literally in a war now inside my heart, and everyday I have to choose to look to the Lord. I have believe what is true, and let Him be my strength. When I do that, my spirit is always lifted, and joy comes. This may be spiritual warfare, and this morning I felt the reality of James 1:2, when he says, "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.." I saw that my struggles may mean that the Lord is doing great things, and that is so encouraging to me. I cannot even fathom all the things that the Lord is doing here in Daegu. I am excited to see them as they unfold, so many of them already have. My heart is thankful to be a part of it, even if I have to fight a war to be in the midst of God making Himself great in Korea. Dusty and Drew Remke used to always say at the end of a church service at Redeemer, "Fight for your relationship with God." Friends and family, fight for it this week.

Purpose

2009-03-21T10:43:00.000-05:00

Tonight I went and saw the Benjamin Button movie, finally, with Yanin. I am the kind of person that likes to find meaning and a lesson in everything. Any kind of slightly serious movie leaves my mind turning and configuring how I can take something from it. This is movie is way more than slightly serious. As I left the theater, I began to think through it all. It really makes you think about your life, and what you have done. It makes you want to live a life full of meaning and purpose, not just waste it. I began to think of my friends who do not know the Lord, and I had to try very hard not to break down as I left the theater with Yanin. There was so much death in the movie that it made me remember that one day we will all die. I am not afraid of my time, I actually welcome it from a distance knowing where I will be going, but when I think of them, my heart breaks. I want to shake every one of them, and say do you not understand how important this is? It's only forever, and it's only your life now! When are you going to do something with it that really matters? How can you be so blind to the truth when it is so blatantly in front of you? Tomorrow, Bhavani and Shawn may be coming to church with me. Pray, pray, pray, pray, and don't cease. I am nervous at how the service will be received by Bhavani, I don't want it to turn her off to Christ. Shawn is a struggling believer. He just is dying for a place to be encouraged, and renewed because he is shriveling up spiritually here in Korea. I pray that it will be renewal, encouragement, and strengthening for him. I will let you all know if they actually come, that will be the first step. Thanks for always praying. Love you all. Remember, live a life of purpose, don't waste your time.

Out of Body

2009-03-15T09:04:00.000-05:00

This weekend there was this show called the "CRAP ART SHOW". I was not too fond of the name, but it consisted of people going to different rooms and creating art. There was a sketch room, a sculpture room, a painting room, spray paint in the hall, and a music room. I spent a few minutes in the sketch room drawing a mouth with a city inside of it. It was my reaction to all the crude things that people has done and called "art" in the room. Lots of the crude things were words, which is why I chose to draw a mouth. The mouth had a city in it to represent the fact that we the power to move nations and cities with our words. We should not waste them, but use them well. Maybe someone will see the sketch and get the meaning.

My favorite room was the music room. It had three electric guitars, and a keyboard. I went in there at 8:15pm and started playing the guitar. Around 8:30pm, a guy named Nick walks in and starts to play one of the guitars too. My guitar skills are minimal, so I was shy about playing in front of another person. I have actually never had a jam session with someone else playing the guitar. It is always me, by myself in my room where no one can mock my music or skill. Nick, was a really nice guy, he encouraged me to play the guitar with him. I took him up on his invitation and began to gain confidence. My level of creative playing has gone up since moving to Korea, most likely because there are not many outside influences. It is just me expressing myself. I never felt highly encouraged in my artistic skills, only in vocals, but nothing further. My jam session with Nick lasted for 2 hours. It went from both of us on the guitars, to him on keyboard with me still on guitar, to me on keyboard and him on guitar. I was on the keyboard for an hour, and it was amazing. It was at this point in the night, that Nick told me he has been playing the guitar for 20 years (he is in his 30's). I was so glad he did not say that in the beginning or I would have never ventured to play in front of him. His skills were incredible, somehow, I managed to improvise well on the keyboard. There was a solid 15 minutes where it felt like an out of body experience, and after thinking about it, I can say that it was worship, for me at least. It moved me deeply, and I think the others who walked by the room were moved too. I am so thankful for that experience. It was like food for my soul. Just wish we could have recorded it all. I have decided that I love the electric guitar. I still love acoustic, but I want an electric too. Maybe one day when I stop moving from country to country, I will buy one. A big point in sharing all of this with you guys is to let you know that God is developing my artistic side here, and I am loving it.

Precious

2009-03-12T09:11:00.000-05:00

Today, I heard Mark Driscoll say that our suffering is precious, and that we should not waste it. I have never heard anyone refer to suffering as precious, and yet I understood him when he said do not waste it. Oh how we can love, and live differently in the midst of our suffering. It is what makes others turn their heads and search their own hearts. Here are a few of the people that my bleeds for. Please ignore the fact that Andrew is flipping the camera off. Clockwise: Bhavani, me, Yanin, and Andrew. If you think of them pray for them with me.

The Finished Product...

2009-03-08T22:00:00.000-05:00

Here is the finished product....

Paintings

2009-03-06T20:03:00.000-06:00

Since the last post, there have not been any major revelations in my life. God is still revealing new things like how I can better love my co-workers and extend mercy to them. Some exciting news is that I painted a piece that is going to be used for a show that our Daegu Theater Troupe is putting on. I am not sure whether I will be going to the show or not since it is the Vagina Monologues....yeah. In one sense, that show is good because it highlights awareness of abuse towards women and the maltreatment of women all over the world, but on the other hand, there are so many other dirty things about it. I will not elaborate on what they are for your sakes if you do not already know. In spite of this, I am still excited that they want to use my painting. It centers around recovery for a women who has been the victim of abuse. I am still working on the little details, but here are a few pictures of what I have so far.

Blessed are the....

2009-02-24T19:32:00.000-06:00

I have had a break through. Last night, I was doing my daily Bible study for church, and I realized something, or I should say that the Holy Spirit was kind enough to open my eyes to a certain reality. God has been using the past 8 months of my life to teach my the Beattitudes. Here is a short summary on them. There are 8 of them, and the first four are different from the second four. The first four are blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are those who mourn, blessed are the meek, and blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness. These four bring you to the reality that you need God and are the door to His greatness. The second four are blessed are the merciful, blessed are the pure in heart, blessed are the peacemakers, and blessed are the persecuted. The latter four here are our giving of ourselves and the practice of God's greatness. You must have the first four actively in your life before you can display the last four. For how can you give of yourself when you do not realize your need for God? No need= nothing to give. The first half is love God, and second is love others. I am seeing that God has allowed me to be poor in spirit, to mourn for a considerable amount of time for different reasons, to be meek (which the study says you need others in this time, and I have desperately needed others over the past 8 months), and to hunger and thirst after righteousness. This last one has not come quite as it did in Texas. It was always so emotionally charged in Texas, and I think the passion and emotions are good things, but as of late it has been more a decision to hunger after Him than a feeling about it. Let's be honest, you don't feel it everyday, at least that's how it is for me. Even on the days when I don't feel it, and cannot hear Him, I choose His road, because I have come to find that there are no other roads that lead to life. This leads to me to my last post. I have been thinking about it a lot, and God has given me peace about it. I will not go into detail about the thought process, or this entry would be like a Dickens novel. To close this post, I will say that I am excited about what God is doing, and how He is working in me to form the Beattitudes. There are greater things to come through the pain of this transformation. Hoping that I will see it, and that I will start living out the last four Beattitudes here in Korea.

What I wrestle with...

2009-02-19T08:20:00.000-06:00

Today, I heard a sermon by Francis Chan. He is a great preacher out in California. His sermon disturbed me greatly. He spoke on Phillipians 3 when Paul says,

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain the resurrection from the dead."

The word that Paul uses for rubbish is apparently the equivalent to dog crap, it's actually even stronger than that, he pretty much says s**t. So the question was posed, are all these things in life worthless to me compared to knowing Christ? Is He my treasure? The next question left me in tears. Do I desire to share in His suffering so that I might have this deep fellowship with Him? The answer would be no.

I find that the word suffering strikes terror into my heart, especially this year. I feel that if I had been in Texas and heard this sermon, I would have said heck yes, sign me up for Your sufferings Lord, because I had nothing in mind of what suffering entails. The most suffering in Lubbock was that my car got totaled, but then all my friends surrounded me and offered to drive me places. I did not know suffering. I will say that I still do not the depths of suffering, and that is why that passage scares me. This year has brought a taste of suffering, and the thought of worse things happening feels like too much to bear. Obviously, Christ does not mean more to me than all these things. I am grieved. Francis asked if you would be crucified next to Christ. He said that it would be such fellowship keeping your eyes on Him the whole time through the excruciating pain. My heart says why would I ask for additional pain in this life? I see that I do not trust Him to carry me through it, to give me the strength each day to face it. I must end in saying that I am praying for a change of heart. A friend of mine said that a servant cares deeply about their master's business, that is where I think I have to start.

REJOICE!

2009-02-09T07:31:00.000-06:00

If you are a habitual reader of my blog, or just happen to skim a few entries every now and again, you will notice a running theme. Life in Korea is hard, not easy, not an overflow of happy times. Matter of fact, it has been a time where everything is stripped away from physical health to people in my life. The point of this entry is not to dwell on that, but I must mention it, so that the next part of this entry will come to complete fruition in all its glory.

Today, I was listening to a podcast from Pastor Mark Driscoll at Mars Hill Church. He is doing a sermon on trials and going through I and II Peter along with it. His message was regarding grieving your trials and out of that rejoicing. He was on I Peter 1:3-9:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ fro the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which is perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

The two things that left a dent in my heart were when he talked about how it's okay to grieve your trials. Some people have hard lives, and mine has not been a hard one up to this point in time, but we all endure trials of some sort in our lives. He said that it is good to grieve and be honest with how you are feeling about the situation you are in. Whether it be financial difficulty, chronic illness, or trouble in some life relationships, you do not need to belittle it, you need to grieve. Some times, as a believer, I feel I should suck it up, like it is wrong for me to feel the way I do now. So many people in Korea are shocked when you tell them that you do not really like it here and that it has not been a good time for you. This conversion mainly happens in the Church. I used to think that if I tried hard enough, I could love any place in the world, and people who had gone somewhere and said it wasn't for them were ignorant fools. I recant my words now more than ever. It is freeing to know that I do not have to be in love with this place. So how should we live since we have this grief in our lives? Mark's next point, was that rejoicing should come out of our sorrow. We do not rejoice in our trials, but rather in our Savior! I may never like Korea, and things may never be easy or enjoyable here, but there is sooooo much more at stake than that. The evidence is branded in my mind from Friday night, and other nights with related conversations of that nature. I should rejoice that my reward is my Savior here, and hopefully, it will become the reward of those I love dearly here who are searching for only God knows what (hahaha, hope you like my little pun). Now we move forward and rejoice, because this life may be hard, painful, and honestly, just suck, but it will pale in comparison to eternity with our Lord in Heaven. It won't always be this way. God may not fix your situation, but He will always be your reward. So rejoice my friends! For we know and have what the whole world pines after and yet rejects everyday. Ending on that note, let us be all the more excited to share our hope with them daily.

Exciting News!!!!!!

2009-02-06T13:03:00.000-06:00

Here is the short end of it, I will share more later when it is not 4 am and I am not dead tired. Tonight, I went to a house warming party for Yanin and Bhavani. As the night rolled on, we all started talking about what we believe. I got a chance to share the gospel with Yanin, she was raised Catholic, and she said that she wants that for her life. I told her that I would pray that she would understand it and have it, she said thanks!!!!! On the way home, Andrew and I had a good talk about his past and what he thinks of Jesus. He said that he is still bitter over some things and was depressed in the past. He asked about my conversation with Yanin, and after I told him he seemed pleased and said that I opened a door for her. Then, in front of our apartments, I told him that I think he should talk with God about his bitterness and the past again. He agreed. I told him that I pray for him and the other Wolbae folks everyday, because in view of eternity this is soooooo important. He said thanks and that he needs it. Then I got to talk with him about how knowing God is not just a ticket out of hell, but that we need Him EVERYDAY. I shed a few tears, he said that he needed to hear that. This is one of the best nights in Daegu ever, and to think, I almost did not go to the house warming party. Praise the Lord! Now, I pray that the truth will sink into their heads and hearts. That they will truly come into a relationship with Jesus. Please, I beg you, pray with me for them. They are closer than we all know.

DON"T QUIT!

2009-02-05T09:26:00.001-06:00

As I have previously stated in my blog, I am going through a study called the Mind of Christ. In addition to lists that make you face yourself, we are supposed to memorize scripture for each unit. I have been shocked in the past week how different my day goes if I carry the scripture in my heart with me. Why am I really all that shocked? It is after all, the spoken and inspired word of God, that should be pretty life changing if nothing else is. When I memorize the Word, I have time to meditate on it, and think deeply about what it means. I find my thoughts become thoughts of scripture, and not the others things that normally possess my brain during the waking hours of this life. My verse for this week is James 3:17:

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere."

We so often overlook scripture memory. My challenge to you is to memorize a passage this week. Maybe you could pick this one, and meditate on the characteristics of wisdom from heaven, and what it means in your life. Also, how it should play out in your life.

I titled this entry "DON'T QUIT!" because it is the embodiment of the message that I needed to hear, and need to still hear so often here in Korea. I recently finished listening to some talks by a pastor from Tennessee named Brian Loritz (sp?), he is a phenomenal communicator of the Word. In his last talk that I listened to, he brought up runners block. When you are running a marathon, your body gets runners block, it starts to yell at you and say, "stop, this hurts!" and you have to press on through the voice in your head. He related this to our spiritual lives, he said some of us have runners block right now. Everything within us is saying this hurts, stop now! We have to press on through this. That is why we have the Holy Spirit. He is here to yell back, "DON'T QUIT!" There are many times where I have wanted to give up on my year in Korea and pull out. Matter of fact, I dream about it at times, but then I heard this talk. It was like God was in the room yelling, "DON'T QUIT!" so I am not quitting. I am here until the 12 months is up or longer if that is what God asks. I feel like a load has been lifted and there is much more joy in my life since making this concious decision. Let me encourage you right now wherever you are, if life hurts and is hard, "DON'T QUIT!"

Transformation

2009-01-30T21:24:00.000-06:00

At my church, I am a part of a Bible study that is going through the book, The Mind of Christ. In the beginning, it was good, but there was nothing truly moving. As of late, it has been challenging to my heart, my soul, and my mind. To have a mind like Christ requires thoroughly examining your own so that you can see what belongs and what must be removed/changed. It is hard to come face to face with your own dark. I often forget how depraved I really am, and then studies like this shed light on my heart. The light allows me to see all that is there. I see the parts that I have passed over and become calloused towards over the years. I see the parts that I have just assumed to be part of who I am, and I see the parts that have haunted me for as long as I can remember. Having the mind of Christ is an overwhelming thought. There have been multiple times in the study that I have felt that it would be impossible to change all these things about myself, and then I am reminded by the author of the study, that God is completing His good works in me. It is a process, a life long process, and knowing myself, I want it to be a one week or possibly a one year process at most. Transformation takes time. Philippians 1:6 says, " being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." That means until I die or until God comes back. I got a ways to go. I am so thankful to know that the transformation is not dependent on me, I am not doing this alone. He must be the One that changes my heart and shows me how it is possible.

2009-01-26T04:02:00.000-06:00

Italy was lovely. It was so nice to get a break from Korea. The plane ride back was another story. I made a vow today to never eat Korean plane food again. They were serving Betenbop which is a mixture of vegetables and rice, nothing too dangerous right? WRONG! About 20 minutes after lunch, I started feeling gross, I got up to go to the bathroom and nearly passed out. When I got to the bathrooms, I actually did pass out for a split second, then got up, went into the tiny stall and proceeded to rid my body of it's lunch. I spent the next 8 hours of my flight praying that I would not throw up again and fighting my gag reflex caused by some strong nasty odor hanging in the air all over the plane. Once I got off the plane, I felt fine except for the exhaustion that my body was feeling. Being way tired and coming back to an empty apartment is not a good combination. I felt lonely for a good hour or so, and then made myself go by some food. Today, Homeplus was closed because it is Lunar New Year here, and so I went to the corner store I live above for food. My land lord and his wife run the store. Turns out she has cooked a whole plate of food for me. It was so sweet, I almost cried (once again...I am reallllllllllyyyyy tired today), and then took the plate upstairs. I cannot force myself to eat it because of the lunch I threw up today, but I am thankful for the effort and the thought.

I have began to wonder if the throwing up on the plane today was an attack from the enemy, or if God is really trying to convince me not to spend another year here...I have no idea. If God is trying to detur me from staying here, He is doing a heck of a job. The whole plane ride after the toilet episode, I was asking myself why I was going back to Korea besides the obvious finishing out my contract and having no other job. I have no reason to stay here. This is a back and forth thing in my mind, so we will see what tomorrow brings.

Lastly, I am praying for no more illness. REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, because I am tired of living as a zombie.

Leaving on a Jet Plane!

2009-01-16T06:54:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow morning I leave for Seoul, and then in the afternoon, I fly to Italy. I can hardly believe it. It does not feel like it is really going to happen, but it is. Today, I told some of my classes that I was leaving for a week, they seemed shocked, and asked why. I said I was visiting my parents. I think I scared the wits out of one of my classes. They were not good for me today, and then at the end of the class I told them I was leaving for a week. They thought it was their fault, hahaha, I told them quickly that I was not leaving because of them. It is kind of sweet, I know at least some of my kids like me. = ) Please pray that it will be a refreshing week off for me, and that I will be ready to teach again when I come back. Thanks for all your prayers and reading.